Melony Louise's Natural Habitat

2009-05-14T10:39:00.001-07:00

So yesterday, I was in the computer lab sitting next to a certain individual pretty well known on my campus. He was putting together some sort of video on gun control, and he was pro-gun.

I just want to shove in here again the rule all people should know, because it came up in the video a lot: once you compare a person, place, or situation to Hitler, you have lost the argument.

But that's not the point of this.

I would look over his shoulder from time to time because ... I'm a nosy bitch, I'm not even gonna lie. But one clip I saw, really provoked an emotion in me.

It was a picture. The caption said, "Civil Rights Legislation did not stop Klansmen. Men like him did." The picture is of a kid a bit older than me, black, holding a big gun.

...Really? You ... think this ... really?

Let me explain something. In the fifties, early sixties, and I'm sure earlier in the history of the KKK ... it was manned by the most important of white people in the community. Policemen, teachers, businessmen, maybe politicians.

In the time of the KKK, black people were not seen as human. It was the time of segregation for God's sake! And you think that people of race get framed a lot now ... back then evidence wasn't even necessarily needed; the average person would go, "oh, a negro. He must have done it, not the white man."

So let me see if I understand you correctly. You think ... that black people, young black people, who have had no chance to establish any sort of reputation that makes them the exception to the rule; got away, with running around shooting to death policemen, teachers, businessmen, and maybe even politicians?

This ... is seriously what you believe?

Okay, fine, you believe shooting people fixes stupid. Fixes inequality of rights, moreso than legislation. So ... I'm going to bring a gun to school today and shoot you. Because you have gone out of your way to infringe on my rights as a gay student, a gay citizen of California.

Not really. Don't call campus police on me.

So what about the idea that just pulling a gun, making the threat, would make them back off? I mean, obviously this is not the point of that image by any means, but I'll humor the idea. We have to keep in mind that this society that I'm explaining: how easy it is to pin a crime on a black guy, the fact that these KKK members are usually folks of high importance, they know this too! So, "go ahead, shoot me. Kill me. Get the death penalty. Makes my job easier."

But I mean, come the fuck on! Is anybody out there as offended as I am by this notion, that this impossible occurrence did more for the civil rights movement than the legislation politicians worked their asses off to write, lobby for, get passed, and then keep working?

Is anybody out there as offended by the stupidity?

2009-04-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

I go to a rather infamous school, as I've mentioned. American River College in S~~uck~~acramento, CA.

This is a school that I'm proud of for many reasons. It really produces great artists, designers, and chefs. Our designers come together every year, churn out the American River Review, and then beat out schools like Harvard for top national awards. It's the third largest community college in California. And, when you figure out how to immerse yourself in it, it has a culture unlike anything else and it's amazing.

But it's a school that also shames me for reasons that to many may be known. Our current Student Government.

Now, I see no need to get too deep into the conspiracy theories that get discussed on my campus regularly. The rumors that decree, "this group is trying to make the school a Christian college!" It's personal choice as to whether or not it's true; I fail to see what would make such a scheme worthwhile.

I can, however, get into what sort of things it's done as a unit. And let's start with the infamous.

Google "american river college prop 8". Look around, and you'll most likely get a pretty well-fleshed out story. Student council doesn't get much attention, student council endorses a gay marriage ban, suddenly about a thousand people care; group tries to recall student council, it fails due to bad voter turnout, group feels defeated; most people stop caring, student council goes back to not getting much attention; but never again as little as before.

Things had gotten calm again in the eyes of those of us who continued to pay attention. Still as dumb as ever, but no more controversy. Until this week.

Now, google "american river college day of silence."

This is a touch newer, so the stories aren't so fleshed out yet. So I will, to the best of my ability.

Day of Silence, nationwide, is April 17th. If you go to American River College, it will be Wednesday the 22nd. Day of Silence is a day-long moment of silence devoted to victims of hate crimes. A little more specifically, LGBT victims of hate crime. Why? Because many states still don't have LGBT society factored into their hate crime laws.

Student Association, as of today, opposes this. It, to paraphrase one of it's many poorly thought out reasons, "silences intellectual conversation on the topic of homosexuality."

It wasn't a full win for them though. See, the meeting was to be declared illegal, such a thing had been decided since Tuesday. Then, local news showed up.

So hey, we thought, let's play along. See what happens. Give the news a story. And, I think we did.

When I talk about today, even though it didn't neccesarily work in my favor, I want to summarize it as intense and beautiful. I forgot what it was like to have so many people who give a shit in one room. For the first time in a long time, I saw people and thought, "this is the correct reaction," even though I didn't see it in everybody, if I saw it in most people present.

Before and after me, people gave such great speeches. Those who came prepared, I think each of us truly caught the emotions we were looking for. And it all came back to, "this is not about the nature vs nuture of homosexuality debate; this is about whether or not its okay for people to die in the name of that debate."

I don't think I have ever experienced so much tension and emotion in one room; but maybe I was simply reflecting my own fears onto everybody else around me. For the first time in my life, I had harsh words ready and waiting. I knew, I had to look these people straight in the eye, and tell them exactly what I thought, the moment I knew this was happening again. The anger, the disappointment, the heartache, the bitterness. Praying it would be some sort of slap in the face. Praying that it would change the mind of even one person, to realize this step was the step too far for anybody, even though I knew there would be no changing their minds.

When they spoke, the more vocal ones, things came out of their mouth that broke my heart. I cannot bring you exact quotes yet, for these videos aren't yet making the youtube rounds, but let me give you some pretty close quotes.

"Gay teenagers are not four times more likely to kill themselves because of society around them teasing and assaulting them; it's because they know they lead a sinful, disgusting life." - Victor Choban

"We, as being many people from Former Soviet Russia, are against this 'Day of Silence' because attempts to silence the population existed like this in the USSR." - Yuriy 'George' Popko

"I am not texting, I just keep recieving texts." - Victor Choban (after texting ... mid speech)

"Me and fifty other students were given detention for wearing these bible quoting shirts ... therefore this is the fault of the students participating in Day of Silence and the day itself" - A student from the audience

But maybe we did get through to them. Or maybe the past experiences taught them something.

Either way, where the numbers last semester were about 2 no, 3 abstains, 9 yes in favor of the resolution to endorse proposition eight; this time, was 5 no to 11 yes. They still won, but it's closer to not being the two-third's vote needed to pass such things.

And when the vote was declared not in our favor, I pulled the card we all had held up our sleeves, and let the audience know that the meeting was in fact illegal. Within fifteen minutes, it was over and done. And overridden, or about to be.

I'm sure to those who were for the bill, it seemed like a weak move. To let it go to see if maybe we'd get what we got, and if we didn't ... demand a recount. But the way I see it, they play the rules in their favor all the time, manipulating each other to get what they want, and dammit we get a turn.

I hope I have summarized what this was like today, as somebody who was present. If you're finding this stuff through whatever sort of searches, and you would like more details, feel free to comment and ask me. I love talking about my school, even the shittier parts.

2009-04-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30105703/

So here's the story, to lead into my complaints.

Maria was on the subway coming home late at night. A man on the car began to touch her feet, and be generally sexual and uncomfortable. As she got off the subway, having already missed her stop because of him, he followed. She ran through the subway platform, up the stairs, yelling for help the whole way.

As she reached the top of the stairs, she made eye contact for a full five seconds with a transit worker manning an attendant's booth. She was still running, screaming for help. He touched the call for help button.

The man caught up, dragged her down the stairs, and raped her twice, as another subway came through and the driver ... also hit the call for help button.

Two people, fully aware of what was happening. Yet did nothing.

And four years later, as she's finally breaking her silence ... the judge insisted they had no responsibility to do anything. And her assailant has yet to be caught.

Do I even need to go in-depth as to why this entire thing breaks my fucking heart?

First off, where the hell was any sort of late night security to keep an eye on the only two people that were in the car at 2am; the woman minding her own business, and the random man touching her feet! We have security here in Sacramento transit, and most of it's running hours are all in daytime. Occasionally, there's a disturbance but it's surprisingly a pretty peaceful system. Sure as fuck ain't New York City!

Second off, where the hell was any sort of human conscience!? You're at your job, you see dead on a woman screaming, crying, asking for help, and all you can bring yourself to do is push a button, that you know will not bring help fast enough? You can't even call with your cell phone? You can't even use the intercom to let him know police have been notified? Obviously you're too little of a man to even consider leaving your base to fend him off. I am a small woman with very little body strength, and you better fucking believe the first thing I'd be doing is finding the nearest blunt object to use as a weapon.

Third off ... where the hell was any sort of human compassion!? Through most of her rape, she was screaming, saying no, telling him to stop, sobbing; I'd imagine it could've been heard from the top of the stairs. It didn't take those moments for you to realize they weren't coming fast enough? Did you not even care? Just some random girl, who cares how damaged she is, even if one could stop it?

And best part ... the transit company's only defense is "we're training them now."

Good for Maria and her lawyer to appeal and try again. And good for Maria to come on national television and tell her story. It's an important one to tell, and I'm glad to help pass it on, even though (or because?) it hurts me as a woman.

2009-04-02T09:42:00.001-07:00

My goal in life has always been to change the world. My planned means of getting there have changed considerably since I was fifteen and I thought to myself, "I'll be in a band. I'll be able to reach out to people who've been where I've been." Which is good, because I'm not as good of a singer as I like to think I am.

Now when I get older, I hope to be able to dive into changing the way the world sees things. Humanitarianism? I think that's the closest word I could come up with, but I don't think it's the right one.

To delve a little deeper: there's two things in my life that have had major impacts on me, especially compared to how brief their actual occurrence and related angst were in my life. One was my sexual assault as a small child, and the other was my stint as a self harmer.

I think society approaches both these things very wrong. I think we have no clue how to deal with a male as a victim of sexual assault, yet it happens just has much to men if not more. If a male has been very close to me in my life (including members of my own family) I've eventually learned of their incident and been able to clearly see how society's fumble has negatively impacted their life.

As for self injury, I think it's an addiction. When I stopped, my body craved it. It missed the at-will rush of happy juice. It even missed the placebo at-will rush of happy juice. Yet, I think society villianizes people who do it. Obviously, to many, it's just the actions of somebody starving for attention. It's never kept in mind that people actually struggle with it alone. It's never even kept in mind that it's a struggle.

Basically, I want to see programs that teach boys how to deal with sexual assault, the same as girls. I also want to see self injurers reached out to the same as any other sort of addict, and the stigmas changed. Both of these I want to see in my lifetime.

2009-03-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm doing my shirtless thing at Asylum last night, in my uber cute skull bra and some shorts. For those in Sacramento or nearby, you should come out to Arden and check Asylum out on a Sunday, it's an amazing accepting place despite this story.

Chick pulls me aside forcefully as I'm attempting to find a boy and get his number, just like "can we talk woman to woman cool I'm just going to take you by your shoulders now and start walking."

Then proceeds with, "look, woman to woman, I just wanted to say, you looked cuter with the black sweater."

Okay, I agreed to an extent. She could have stopped there and all would have been fine. Except...

"I see you take your shirt off every week and I see people laugh at you every week and it makes me feel bad for you. So yeah."

My chub is sexy god dammit! People at club think my chub is sexy god dammit! If people thought I was ugly and should crawl back in my hole, my newest nickname would not be Hello Nurse! If people thought there was any truth to the statement people would not have come to my defense the way they did. And even if I do look like shit naked (and you can ask any of my exes, and they will say I am fucking hot naked) the point of Asylum is that it's a minimal rules fantasy world and I can do and wear whatever I fucking want!

But moral of the story is, don't fucking pick on me. Just because I'm unafraid to show my hurt feelings and maybe put my heart on my sleeve more easily than the average human, doesn't mean I'm going to take your shit without a fight. And maybe it seems to the untrained eye that I had others fight my battles for me, but sometimes you just gotta know whose gonna get the job done better. Which is why we love the Mary and the Kat's faces.

I hope she had fun going home early on my account (:

2009-03-08T00:01:00.001-08:00

I've decided that boys exist just to make me (and fellows in women kind) sad. And I bring scientific evidence.
(These are not listed in order of importance.)

Specimen One, R.
(I know I said no nicknames...too bad.)
Ugh! Why couldn't I figure out that just being straight forward would have worked for me until after he got a girlfriend? Why did I put the walls down the second it was unattainable?

Specimen Two, N.
You gave me up ... for pot, video games, and unemployment. Yet you still love me. And yet you don't seem too beat up about it.

Specimen Three, A.
The army one. I still don't know what went wrong here. But he's read the damn message! Why doesn't he respond to the damn message! And it was a week of my life; why do I even care? That I know why, is that the sad part or the weird part?

Specimen Four, M.
What am I supposed to want here? Most attainable one, and the most strange situation ... yes, even stranger than me falling for a friend's ex ... since this one was my ex first. I just see how it doesn't work and shouldn't work and yet I look forward to next time. Why?

And I know not-so-deep down that I should just focus on myself and school and work; yet life keeps throwing these males into my lap, just to take them away, as though saying, "hey look Mel, you can have this ... not!"

Ironically, all I desperately want is some pussy.

2009-02-28T22:02:00.000-08:00

The Most Basic Things My Job Has Reminded Me Of
(that nobody else seems to want to remember)

Check that a door isn't an emergency exit before opening it. Fire alarms are loud and scare small children.
When you're done, throw away your trash.
Do not stick gum under the table; somebody has to clean that up!
Tell your kids to stop yelling! Especially if it triggers a ten kid scream competition, not in spite of.
Never call your boss a bitch when there are coworkers as witnesses. And think twice before using as your apology, "I'm on my period I hate everything."
NEVER refer to the fact that you lied on your application about being on probation at previous jobs when there are coworkers present.
Be careful what you wear when job hunting. Big baggy jeans with giant marijuana leaves stitched on them are not your best bet.
Be considerate with who you chose to be mad at. If french fries cost twenty cents more than they did yesterday, it is not the fault of the sixteen year old girl texting at the register all day.
The line is changing: the customer may always be right, but in many cases he is also an overly self-involved twat who knows the world revolves around him all the while ignoring the other customers waiting for their time. In short, if you ordered an ice cream, and there was ten people behind you in line, you're gonna wait awhile. Bitching and moaning will not cause your cashier to grow a second set of arms. And if it did, she'd probably just strangle you instead of getting you ice cream.

I go in tomorrow. Noon to five. This exhausted, miserable face? Is that of a person who can hardly wait to go make (after taxes) $31.25 for five hours of ball busting labor. Or they'll do me like they did before ... work me two hours and give me $12.50.

In short? Be nice to people who work in food service. Even those who aren't the best at it. We're human, and we try. But it's an acting job like none other, and it can be hard to keep up many hours of "I'm happy, and I love people, and nobody's rude and obnoxious to me ever, and I'm socially flawless to boot." It's hard for people to act that way even when they feel that way! Be compassionate and kind, and it will come back good on you.

Have a Happy Sunday,

Melony Louise

2009-02-27T10:05:00.000-08:00

Wow. I haven't been here in over a year. Crazy.

And a crazy time it's been. I honestly wish you all could've followed along ... maybe it would have helped me out heh.

But I'm back now. And intend to stay for awhile.

Changes include:
New layout! For the...
New name! The old name was a redundant mouthful.
Fuck nicknames and protected identities! You will know my friends and such as I do, on a first name basis.

And where am I at?
This will surprise no one who's been in a relationship at 17 before, but me and "The Boy" are no longer. Haven't been for nearly a year now. And it was a pretty nasty breakup and we've just gotten back on speaking terms in the last couple months. And for the first time, in a different relationship, I've had and lost love. It's definitely weird. And I'm not excited for next time, despite my big crush on another boy ha.

In the last couple months, I got a McJob. I hate it. Initially I feel ungrateful because my friend got me the job and I hated it within a few weeks, but then I remember that she hates it too and I feel better.

I'm way more involved with my school and its politics. For anybody who followed Proposition 8, you might remember American River College making (NATIONAL!) news for its endorsement of marriage ban Proposition 8. Yeah, I was totally against that shit. As were (and still are) a bunch of people. And it's slowed down some this semester, but last semester was about trying (and in a sense failing in the short term) to make the school better for future students. And I'm president of Queer-Straight Alliance. Woohoo leadership!

Oh, and I'm a massive stoner now, yay! I'll be honest: as of now, I've been pretty able to balance toking a lot with being sober for work, classes, etc. But I do sometimes fear spiraling downward. I'm a constant ball of anxiety, nerves, and social awkwardness, and THC makes it all float away.

So why try after so long to get back in blogging?
It's cheaper than a therapist. And I'm only slightly joking. I also love the community blogging results in. Mostly I need the ability to talk about my life and have others identify somehow. Even if it's just sitting and reading what I'm getting out of me, it's enough.

Also, as I get closer to universities, working, etc. I crave networking and friends in non-local places. I'll try to put up some of my work somehow so y'all can refer me to your friends who work in publication design, winknudgehee.

And how often will this update?
In a perfect world, daily. But I have two night classes and a crazy life, so it'll be probably more like Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. And I'm going to try to not keep a public diary like before. Just focus in on one thing and dissect it. Less for me and more for those who read it (:

So ... I'll see you here tomorrow night?

2007-11-22T11:31:00.000-08:00

I'm grateful for the amazing head start I've had in life. I may joke a lot about how I never had the cool things growing up or whatever, but my parents and my sister did so much in life to make sure I had everything in life that I needed, materialistically and otherwise.

I'm grateful for the amazing friends I've had and have. Whether I was grateful to them at the time or not, they've proven to me that people do know you when you're down and out, even if those people tend to be few and far between.

I'm grateful even for the not-so-great "friends" I've had and have. They've taught me what I hate in people, what I don't want to be, and they've made the people who really are there for me and not what I have or can do for them shine even more in my eyes.

I'm grateful for the bad moments in my life as well as the good. They've made me compassionate to others, and even if they seemed to knock everything out of me at the time, they in fact made me stronger and especially showed me that if you have no love for yourself, people will find it hard to love you.

Finally, I'm grateful for whatever the future has to offer me. To school, work, my passions, the people in my life, I say ... bring on whatever you have to throw at me. I may still have a lot to learn, but I can take it.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all! Less than three!

2007-11-17T19:39:00.000-08:00

That's what my face looks like with a hole in it. Pardon the head-tilty quality of it.

2007-11-16T23:36:00.000-08:00

Tonight, the day before my 18th birthday, was oddly full-circle for me.

Okay, so when I was 15, I had a group of friends, which was ultimately myself, two of my girlfriends, the one's boyfriend, and our mentor of sorts. Pretty much, everyone moved at the same time. Meaning, the one girl moved like a half hour or so away, then her boyfriend moved to Colorado, and then our mentor went off to Oregon. Which left the other girl and myself, and that turned out to just make a mess out of me, as teen life tends to do to people.

Over the summer, the guy moved back. He wants to go to Sac State, which is the reasoning I suppose. Tonight was the first time I got to hang out with him since, because I couldn't find him and also there was just masses of ex drama between my friend and him. The kind where people know they aren't communicating so they make shit up and then make the communicating be not happening for an actual reason? Yeah.

Funny enough, we didn't even follow tradition of "lurk around the bookstore and mock people". We tried, but ... we realized it was tradition because we had no choice. Well, now we do, and guess what motherfucker? I wanna go play video games, cos books are for losers and people who aren't in college.

So it was full circle for me, but I also see things changing for my friend. For the better, don't worry; it in fact made the night more pleasant for me than it was initially. For me, I minimally care about whether or not she'll be back with this ex of hers, not to say I don't like him, in fact it's quite the opposite. However, it's about her leaving her current boyfriend. Who has nothing in life going for him. No body shape, no attractive face, no school plans, dead end job, shitty personality, severely under-developed logic skills, the fucker don't even tip at restaraunts. She's finally seeing it, and I'm glad for her. I do worry however that she's going to be too considerate of how he's gonna take it and just put it off and put herself second, which would be especially bad because everyone but her seems to notice that the relationship is at least verbally abusive towards her.

Well, off the topic of friends and back onto myself ... I declared my major today. Officially, my title can be "Melony Louise: Art New Media Student".

...It's okay, most that don't go to ARC (and some that do) don't know what it means. Basically, I'm studying graphic design. Also, it means I'm schooling to get into a sixty dollar an hour job. That's a good thing, even if it is just a "back up plan".

Well, I s'pose that's it for now. Tomorrow I'll try to post some pictures of my pierced face, or at least before I go on Pointless Drivel Live for time number two so Mr. Fabulous can mock me for it, hee. So, nighty, I'll see you folks again when I'm old!

2007-11-10T23:03:00.000-08:00

So I'm making a blog post that's a bit odd for me. Like, in the sense that a month ago it wouldn't have happened. Topic being, religion.

Don't worry, I'm not trying to get you to join anything scary, but I do warn that if you're sensitive about controversial topics that you run screaming.

So first, my religious background is not much. My associations with Christianity are not pretty, thanks to the beyond fucked shit my dad's mother has pulled on my family immediate and otherwise. I've been raised to be open, except to Christianity. To be fair, I think once you realize your daughter's been sexually assaulted in the name of the Christian God, it becomes a hell of a lot fucking easier to generalize that aspect of humanity to be pure evil.

And frankly, I had no want to obtain a religion or a viewpoint. I'll know when I'm dead, I think I can be fine with that. In hindsight, I realize the only thing keeping me from being atheist was fear. Because according to atheism, when you die, nothing happens. Worms eat your corpse. Mmm, yeah, I wanna go along with that.

About a week ago, I went to a youth group service. I pretty much just went to hang out with Nessa, maybe get some proof that not all Christians hate Muslims and Roman Catholic and Gays and Halloween and yeah. The guy was this healer I still find to be a fraud despite the experience. However, I felt a presence upon his command. I'm totally suspicious, I want none of if, and bamf, there's a presence. It scared me so much I left the service for about five minutes.

I told my mom. She sees it as a joke. My problem is not disagreement, my problem is the attempts to convince me I was suckered into some fraud, that I fell for vibrating floorboards, subliminal messages, whatever.

Tonight, I go to a battle of the bands (by the way, my boys Vyncent Flaw won one grand and two professional EPs!) and there's a little closet sized room for spiritual readings. The girls (Jess and Chelsea, I remembered!) explain that they're more prophecies, visions from God. "We can't tell you your mom's maiden name, what'll happen tomorrow with your crush, we just hope to say something insightful." I go first, and they hit all three things on my mind. My confusion about the previous experience, my concerns about going for whatever and failing, and my feelings of ultimate awkwardness. Plus, somehow a four leaf clover played into it, she asked if I was irish. The answer is no, but that is the name of my piercer who I've been wanting to check in on for a few days now.

Look, I don't even know what to consider myself in the way of religion. I don't want to say you're wrong and I'm right and you'll burn in hell and blah blah blah. I just don't want to be treated like I'm falling for every day parlor tricks, right?

And maybe I should be more understanding of my mom's potential feeling of me running to the fire that burned me to play with it once more. But I feel I can't even explain that my side is not what she thinks if its anything. My side is confusion. My side is trying to glean out from the muck something that means something to me. And mostly, my side is trying to find a balance between what I believe, what I've experienced, and the circumstances for both.

2007-11-07T20:41:00.001-08:00

On the topic of America's Next Top Model, my current impression of the girls that were on tonight.

Lisa: For being an exotic dancer (or bikini whatever) she sure is weak in the legs. And oh my God, I wish she'd stop putting her leg up awkwardly high.
Ambreal: Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's just like she's an eyebrow ring short of looking totally dyke.
Saleisha: I still cry over her missing curly hair.
Sarah: ...Who? I correctly predicted her leaving tonight.
Heather: Lovelovelovelove her, hottest autistic kid evar. Fuck Bianca, cos you know what, you're right, she can do no wrong and you suck!.
Jenah: Reminds me of the Tank Girl person, whose name I can't remember. But she also just gives off bitch vibes, and I really hope that the people that are "spoiler-ing" her win are wrong.
Chantal: Well, like, I'm a natural model, and actress, and I'm perfect, but I don't have to ever prove it!
Bianca: If she put all that energy she puts into shit talking the other girls into her model work, she'd have it in the bag. But instead, she attacked my favorite autistic kid ever and now she dies.
Victoria: She got voted off awhile ago, but holy God damn I miss her!

If any of you managed to keep up with what I was talking about ... I am so sorry.

2007-11-02T23:25:00.000-07:00

My 18th birthday is on November 17th. Of this year, yes.

This'll be good because, finally, I'll have a piercing. It's a right of passage to me, and cheaper than my original right of passage which I'll have to hold out for until my first paycheck.

This'll be bad cos I'll start working. Hard ass-kicking manual labor. Dad as my boss. I can't even lift a can of lima beans single handedly, how the fuck can I push boxes full of electrical equipment around?

This'll be good because I'll be making my second appearance as a co-host on PDL. It'll be sweet.

This is bad because The Boy will probably dump me because I'll no longer be jailbait.

Haha, joke.

Man, I am so tired but I had to keep my promise to myself and post.

2007-10-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

So I have no clue if this is a "world wide phenomenon" or what, but here in Rancho, all the wiggers seem to love Soulja Boy. No, not Soldier. Soul-Jah. This got me thinking that I should do some comparison of lyrics to songs I like, to lyrics of songs that everyone else likes (well, according to things like Billboard, anyway).

Soulja Boy's "Crank That Soulja Boy"
"Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy
Then Super Man Dat Hoe"

vs. Kate Nash's "Birds"
"but he was lookin' at her yeah
all funny in the eye
she said c`mon boy
tell me what you're thinkin` now dont be shy
he said alright i'll try
well the stars up in the sky
and the leaves in the tree
all the broken bits that make you trip up and the grassy bits inbetween
all the matter in the world
is how much that i like you
she said what?"

Oh yeah, Soulja Boy totally won there. His lyrics are so profound and deep talking about "hoes" and himself and putting the two together, but love ... everybody sings about love, there's certainly nothing original there. Especially when the main character goes on to awkwardly compare the girl he likes so much to a bird. Nothing sweet and endearing there, no.

Irreplaceable by Beyonce
" To the left to the left
To the left to the left
To the left to the left
Everything you own in the box to the left"

vs Ghost of Corporate Future by Regina Spektor
" When he gets to the crowded subway platform,
He takes off both of his shoes
He steps right into somebody's fat loogie
And everyone who sees him says, 'Ew.'
Everyone who sees him says, 'Ew.'
But he doesn't care,
'Cause last night he got a visit from the
Ghost of Corporate Future"

Thank you, Miss Knowles, because were it not for you, I might think my stuff was in a box to the right. Holy crap, though, I must stop the snark for a moment, because I just got big news. The person who told me Beyonce Knowles was a big fat homophobe who doesn't like big gays listening to her music was misinformed! She was damn near raised by her gay uncle, in fact!

Now, I'll give my readers credit. Maybe they don't share my interest in oddball storyteller anti-folk lyrics. So, one more.

Colbie Caillat's "Bubbly"
"I've been awake for a while now
you've got me feelin like a child now
cause every time i see your bubbly face
i get the tinglies in a silly place"

vs The Academy Is...' "Everything We Had"
" I am no gentleman, I can be a prick.
And I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist."

No, really, "I get the tinglies in a silly place" is probably the best lyric I ever heard. Because, y'know, laughter is really good for your brain. My DS told me so.

2007-10-19T21:55:00.001-07:00

So damn, am I a complete failure at this blogging thing or what?

Well, between school, life, drama, sex, and bus rides, I've been feeling guilty about this poor blog. Well, actually, any point between sex and anything this blog is the last thing on my mind, but that's not the point! Point is, my life has been crazier than ever, and yet still so not interesting.

Actually, now that I think about it, that's not true. Just last week, actually, I snapped. Now, I have no clue how many of you know my true nature, but it's basically talk big to my friends about what I'd do to strangers whilst I bend over and take it like a child molesting prison bitch from EVERYBODY. Ultimately, I'm quiet, and I'm not fond of causing trouble.

However, I'm in a group discussion class, and frankly, the group I just finished with blew. Now, my explosion did not happen with this group, but it was wearing me thin in the way of patience. See, most of us were a bit socially awkward, all but two of us were basically right out of high school (or ESL) and so just warming up to these new people, wasn't happening. So naturally, we had no clue anything was wrong. Then, this girl, just gets totally confrontational with almost all of us about how we aren't pulling our weight and this and that and blah blah.

So, we have the wrong reaction ... we blow them off some more. Well, actually, no. In my case, I spent about one day blowing them off, two days out of town, and then one day going "I am so so sorry I'm late with my stuff but I wasn't in town and had no time and agh!" I figured it was okay, because we weren't meeting up for awhile.

We meet up, we're a split group. The two girls insist we were useless, doing nothing, optimistic out of sheer laziness, on and on. So we're to do two papers, because they didn't want their grades to suffer. It made getting damn near the same grade as them absolutely fucking beautiful, but that's not the point at the moment. Point is, I spent the rest of that week hearing about how much of a waste of anything I was, as a student. No, we weren't supposed to take the comments personal, yes I did anyway. Why? Because being a student is what I pride myself on, and I'm a damn good student if you're just willing to pry me from my shell, figure out my usefulness, and not insist that if I agree with you its because I don't want to think of something original, so fuck you!

Okay, this bullshit project is finally over, I can practically smell my worthwhile good grade, and so I get on the bus, head toward home, and stop along the way and get some food. Bus is crowded. I have to stand. Near this fucking loudmouth on the phone Latina. Actually, at the time she didn't bother me. Now one must keep in mind, I want to get off this bus and eating like now. So I'm looking around. And this chick is on her phone hella loud, and is a very very attractive woman, so as I'm trying to look out windows and stuff, we catch glances a couple times. My face was nothing besides monotonous or even a small smile.

As I turn away from her after about the third catch of eyes, I hear:

"talk talk talk and if that fucking white girl looks at me one more time I'm gonna beat the shit out of her but anyway talk talk talk"

My mind battles. The temper that would really enjoy beating the utter hell out of somebody for the first time ever, and even just tempt her ignorant ass into it by just turning around and facing her versus the logic that is really fucking hungry for some Burger King. I'm so in my mind pissed that I miss getting off at the stop with food, and I get a tap on my shoulder.

"There are some seats behind me."

"Oh, why thank you!"

And my temper won. I kept my eyes on that woman the entire two seconds it took me to pass her.

"*bitchy laugh* Some fucking white bitch all up in my grill."

"You know, you have a fucking ego and you need to shut the fuck up."

"Uck, just shut the fuck up."

Now, one problem with me: I can't hold anger. Anger turns to fear turns to depression in a matter of moments. I know how my parents get when they're angry, so thus I know that if I ever let go it won't be much better. Also, logic shouted "DON'T GET ARRESTED" at me, so I ran off the bus at the first chance I had and broke the fuck down. Yeah, curling up in a ball crying on the lawn of a bank? Embarrassing.

Having people congratulate you for being a cunt to a stranger? Beautiful. And oddly, it released all of my school related stress and has made getting myself there and back so much easier on me.

Hey, if you want to call me crazy, I have to remind you, I still have the teen angst thing going on for me. I am hormonally unstable, not crazy. Be politically correct, gorsh!

Okay, so this should be a good start for my plan, to try to get back into blogging with once a week updates. If you find any crazy news stories, or websites, or whatever, send them my way and I'll see if I can work up a post for them.

I'm starting to think I need to find a copy of that book that like tells you what good things to blog about are, haha.

2007-09-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

So I may have spoken of Grey's Anatomy here before. I once loved this show. Then, Meredith was underwater for twenty minutes, dead for three hours, and then revived miraculously on her own, and showed no signs of brain damage or anything! I hadn't watched it since. Until tonight.

For the first ten minutes it had me. Dr. Yang telling people off after getting left at the alter, the faggot's supposedly boning the hottest big titted blonde on the show, and then.

"Hi. I'm Lexie. Lexie Grey. I'm your sister."

I'm completely horrified. Such a shitty fanfiction story line (even with a line as great as "I'm the girl from the bar") and she even has such a shitty Mary-Sue sort of name! And now the hot big titted blonde is going to save a deer, even though in reality she'd be fired.

What's the point? The point is ... I can't stop watching regardless! Help me!

2007-09-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

First off, go to Mr. Fab's blog and get the link to vote for his blog as the Best Humor Blog.

Second off, make a post in your blog telling people to vote for him also, and to also post in their blogs.

Why, you ask? Simply because no matter what any overly wound up undersexed mommy blogger says, eight year old boys anally raping each other on the school playground is the funniest thing on the internet. In fact, it's eh-oh-el level is over nine thousand.

Third off, isn't it great that I can say things like that because it's not my readers I have to worry about alienating?

So, what the hell have I been up to this last month? Well, there's school. Transit. The demands of friends and The Boy. Then what I'm most excited about, NaNoWriMo is in a month!

For those who don't know, NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is a quantity-over-quality writing contest. You have thirty days to get to fifty thousand words. Yes, with one story. No, not with previously started work, you cheater!

So if you had asked me about NaNo about a week ago, I would have groaned. Last years was a bad time for me. I picked a story with nine (!) narrators, at least nine subplots, and a miserable ending to match my feelings about my small hometown. I had much relationship angst (was a week into the relationship with my ex girlfriend when NaNo started, she got work with my dad, told his best friend [a lesbian] about sleeping with me, had the gull to dump me two days later AND a week before my birthday, the guy I had wanted to date at the time disappeared once I was single, etc), some family angst (in connection mostly to the relationship angst), and just too much on my plate (tried to run a muchly unsuccessful youth group, was in my first semester of college, on top of the rest stated).

Now don't get me wrong, in hindsight I'm grateful for all of these. Sam and I have become best friends since breaking up, and had we not broken up and had that stupid gothy bastard stuck around (by the way, we cross paths often since he basically lives a few blocks away from me, and he never acknowledges my existence), I wouldn't have The Boy. By the way, Friday is nine months for us. That's my longest relationship, about 4.5 times as long as the one that held the record before that. That first semester of college inspired me to stick around in college, thus I've met some very fascinating and wonderful people (oh, and the classes are interesting too) who sure, I don't keep as good of contact with as I should (bad Mel), but have still left their impacts on me. None of that changes that my failing NaNo was a bit of a blow to my ego, and the idea of doing it again just felt like too much work.

But, I have in mind a story I love and have been tinkering with since about February or March. Okay, so I thought I had more reasons than that, but I guess I don't really need them.

Well also, for once it's cold in Sacramento in September (usually, it gets cold in November and stays cold until March. Also, it does NOT snow here) so the cold weather is definitely an inspiration to do more introverted for myself things. Oh, and the fact that the last month or so has just made me feel like I'm going for others. I really like doing things like taking myself out for food and going somewhere just to get out of the house, not to hang with a friend or anything. Not to be rude to Nessa and The Boy, I do love their company and they make me happy and all that crap, but I just sort of need those things occasionally to feel like I have a relationship with myself and the things I want still ... if that statement makes sense.

Finally, why the labret as the picture? Well, first off, I had no clue what to put, second off, I am beginning my research for my 18th birthday weekend, in which I will get my first tattoos and my labret. Another thing in which I am excited about

2007-09-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

I'm in the midst of adjusting to having a life again. It's hard. I go to school five days a week. I'm on transit to get everywhere (school, Nessa's, places with Nessa, etc) it feels like eight days a week. And all this last week or so has been drama out the ass on top of it.

I almost broke up with the Boy and ignored him all week because of it, Nessa and her boy were broken up for like a day (we've become so close that's it's like your drama is my drama and mine is yours), I've been arguing with family and so has she, I've been trying to get photoshop for school only to have Adobe just completely ignore my student discount site request not even a denial ... blah!

I'm starting to understand that feeling of everything is a damn job. A bath I wanted to take to relax my legs (which are definitely starting to feel the physical stress of walking and catching buses to get everywhere) took fucking forty minutes and did nothing because I had to clean someone else's filth out of the tub and then I couldn't get the water to stop being cold, and the damn thing wasn't even relaxing. And then I had to clean for like three hours.

I'm only two weeks in and I already need a day to just not move and not do anything and I can't get it, and I know that when I do get that chance I'll use it to instead go do something insane with Nessa or maybe even The Boy and just injure myself worse.

In better news though, I was actually inspired by schoolwork to write something a bit crazy. Maybe I'll post it tomorrow.

2007-08-28T23:54:00.001-07:00

So we all have that thing we do to ourselves (at least, I like to think we do) in which we do it and then go, "why the fuck am I doing that knowing damn well what'll happen?"

In my case, it's googling "wasp nest".

I'm pretty damn sure I have a literal phobia. See, in the time we've lived in my house we've had three good wasp nests. First time I saw one hanging off the roof of my front porch, I was twelve and in hindsight I've realized I had an anxiety attack. Looking from inside my house, out a window. It's the swarm aspect, right?

Wrong. Empty ones freak me out just as bad as say the one up there. I fight random urges to cry at the sight of them. Keep in mind, I've never been stung, bit, swarmed, etc, and the biggest bee incident from my childhood is when Macaulay Culkin died when all the bees attacked in My Girl.

So I do this to myself every once in awhile. Knowing damn well that this random ass thing has such a negative effect on me. But it doesn't answer ... why?

I guess what it is, is that aside from my random crazy things like this, I'm logical. Being emotional the way my fellow women tend to be is just retarded and solves none of the problems which are resulting in (or from) your overly emotional state. So I know, logically, this is fucking stupid. And shit like this is the only way I know to fight a phobia, even if it just makes me sick for a good half hour instead of helping me.

You know, now that I'm finished, I think I might have made a post like this before. In my defense, I'm tired and all I have going on at the moment is peeling sunburns and schoolwork, so yeah, nothing particularly original. Also, writing in here somehow helps me deal with stuff. That's that and I'm sticking to it.

I also need to hurry up and turn 18 so I can get a therapist that isn't just going to give me a form asking things like "do you masturbate excessively". Stupid kiddie shrinks.

2007-08-25T23:54:00.000-07:00

So today was my first night as a merch girl, world. It was a bit unexpected, in the sense that we were told we'd start ... well ... when the band in fact had merchandise, but we were at their free show tonight and they needed someone to sell the usually free CDs so that there were hopes that they'd maybe at least break even. Well, they were a dollar short, but regardless, we still did pretty good for being sort of randomly thrown in for our first time. I do believe I may be one of those folks that thrive off chaos. It's pretty cool, indeed.

If you're remotely near the Sacramento area, Vyncent Flaw is doing a free show Wednesday at Club Retro. If you're into anything like Mindless Self Indulgence or even if you're just plain into having a good time lawlzing and dancing, I highly suggest making a trip out there. Also, I repeat that it's free, but I suggest still taking a few dollars with you to buy CDs for you and your friends. The more CDs that get sold, the sooner these kick ass dudes will have enough money for real merch. Shirts, messenger bags, better faces than yours, etc. C'mon world, help local music thrive!

Plus ... Mike's a hawt Asian ... don't you love hawt Asians? And Maxx is just a hawt guy. I know at least Mr. Fab loves hawt guys. C'mon, support local music! (Even if it's not ... like ... local to you ...)

2007-08-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

Remember my saying I hate PETA? This is still true.

At Warped Tour, I was handed a pamphlet, entitled "Even If You Like Meat, You Can Help End This Cruelty!" My thoughts were, "sweet, this pamphlet will tell me some of the cruel ways animals are treated, and then give me some petitions to sign or maybe even suggest some intern work, instead of shoving PETA bullshit down my throat!"

Ahh, my poor naive self.

The sixteen page long pamphlet has many paragraphs strewn inside which are quotes from vegans/vegetarians which basically say that smart people are vegans/vegetarians, so I should be too. Then the first paragraph that is PETA written is basically, "omg, think of the animals you'd spare if you ate less meat!"

No, PETA. Fact: they're treated badly. Reality check: they'd continue to be treated badly if less of them were eaten, until the amount kept around was lessened, and then they'd still get treated badly, just in smaller numbers, and then they'd stop being bred so much. So not only will you have failed your cause of ceasing the cruelty, but then there'd be a new cause of "I think they might be going extinct, whoopsie."

Plus, turkeys, they deserve to be eaten. Hey, fuck you for saying I'm an asshole for saying that, you haven't handled a damn turkey in your life. They're mean. Violent. Stupid as all hell. Ugly. So fuck turkeys, and eat as many of them as you can.

As I've said before, the cruelty should end, my eating them should not.

2007-08-23T00:19:00.000-07:00

Decided on a whim that I absolutely HAD TO change the layout. I don't know why, seeing as how before it was Paramore and I haven't been able to turn their new CD off in hella days, pardon the Rancho Cordovan in me showing there. But um, even with the odd JPEG-ness (my choices were slighty off somehow but I can't quite place it JPEG or AHH THE PIXELS ARE EATING HER FACE GIF) I like it, even if the pink is a bit more happy than I tend to be. Ah well, I'm sure I'll cope.

Now, who here has been watching this season of Real World? Well I have, and I'm starting to think that Parisa (pretty Persian girl pictured) and I are the same person. In fact, I decided it after tonight's picture in which she told Dunbar (I'll quote another room mate, "he's pretending to be a nice guy when he isn't") "you know ... I'm just going to write you a letter." Because, as I may have mentioned in here before, I've done that to The Boy a few times. It's a disorder I have in which my brain is broken when I try to find a way to start a potentially uncomfortable conversation until I get home and there's a notebook and bamf I start writing. I think he's determined to break me of it and I think it's gonna suck to be him when I have the ability to start a fight with him about anything, haha.

But back to Parisa. I love her. You know, I thought I had more to add than that, but I'm starting to get tired and I have to be up semi-early tomorrow and meh. So be sure to tell me if anything with the layout's wrong, and I'm gonna update some of the sidebar things so they match better, and yeah. Nighty!

2007-08-22T17:57:00.001-07:00

There are many things in which it astounds me that the opinion varies. Less because I think my opinion is just simply the only right one and more because Jesus, why is everyone so damn nosy? My example for the moment is assisted suicide.

Look, here's how I see it: people who are sick have a damn good sense of when their health has reached the point that constant medical treatment is just not only putting off the inevitable by a very small period of time, but doing so in a painful manner. These people should be able to go to their doctor and have their take confirmed, and then be able to get their families together and say goodbye with as little guilt as possible. But of course, between religion, denial, and just plain fear of death, not everyone will want to take that route. These differences in thought is what makes life so great. But it should be an individual's own decision, not something law-mandated, and definitely not something decided by people who don't understand being in that place.

Saying people who want assisted suicide are weak or that the concept is like government-approved genocide, saying that girls who get abortions as teenagers are murders and sleazes, saying homosexuals are scourge, all these statements are easy to make when you're in good health; when you're not that girl; when your sexual attractions are widely accepted as normal.

Which is why I think our laws should be changed to "do whatever you think's right, so long as you don't hurt other people." Life, liberty, property if you will.

My dad's favorite example works best here. If you want to fuck goats, do so. Don't make me watch, don't make me fuck your goat, don't fuck your goat on my front lawn. Only we apply this to EVERYTHING. Assisted suicide, abortion, marriage, drugs, sex, music, education, health systems; literally, everything.

Meh, it's a bit idealistic, and in truth it would probably just lead into a full on anarchy, but a girl can dream.

2007-08-20T18:02:00.001-07:00

Today I went with Nessa and found my classrooms. In truth, I suppose it was really just an excuse to get out of the house and hang with her, because two out of three I found within a couple minutes, and the last one was only hidden thanks to my still holed up mental map of the campus.

Sometimes, I really think her and I should just NOT go out in public together. It's basically destined that her and I will end up having conversations that are just not appropriate for being out in the politically-correct world. Topics we covered include pregnancy tests which predict homosexuality (and then give an ad for a good abortion clinic when you flip it over), all the things which could go lost in a certain girl we know's vagina, my having sex and crying out, "Nessa just lost the game!", our connected minds ("all I remembered of the number is the first three digits" "funny, all I remembered was the last four"), and all the fat guys on motorcycles who kept making eyes at us.

If you happened to sit on one of our bus trips today, I want to apologize for our insanity. Only, not really.

2007-08-18T22:57:00.000-07:00

So I've been contemplating making a blog that tracks my school progress for next semester. Sort of a place where I can put what I've learned, important notes, due dates, and try to get other people to talk to me about it so it all potentially sticks better, and probably also talk about the extra-curricular stuff I'll be doing. Plus I find that thus far I've been less dependent on my note taking and studying skills and more so on my abnormal memory which sure, hasn't yet gotten me less than a B, but also tends to just remember random ass factoids instead of the important stuff in the long run.

My point I guess is that I'll be most likely doing this anyway for my own sake, but my question is would anyone else find it to be an interesting read or what-have-you? I'm taking Group Discussion, Adobe Photoshop, and The Human Lifespan, and then in the way of for-fun things I'm considering Improv Club, Gay Straight Alliance, and auditioning for one of their plays.

In an unrelated note, I really hate hearing good things about Hairspray. There's just something really wrong about remaking a John Waters film with Zac Efron and John Travolta in drag. In my mind, it'd be like remaking The Birds with Paris Hilton, or Gone With The Wind with Justin Timberlake. Meaning, it's a freaking classic (although that may be an exaggeration when speaking of the original Hairspray) so 1) why remake it and 2) why use such actors!?

2007-08-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the foulest experiences of my life.

Now I want to start with saying that when it comes to bugs, I'm not that much of a pussy. Um, bee-like creatures, big fuzzy spiders, and swarms of anything disturb me, but it's never like I see a bug and it's like I have a complete mental breakdown. And with The Boy's new place, I've grown my spine with cockroaches, since the place was infested with it when he moved in.

Also, I am by no means a neat freak. Okay, I kind of am, but half the time I'm too lazy to do much about it and it's less about stuff being clean and more about the appearance of their being space, if that makes sense.

So Nessa's mom's boyfriend type person lives exactly downstairs from her. And basically, he pays rent on a place he doesn't stay at. He works a lot, and he spends a lot of time at Nessa's. But we were informed that downstairs in his apartment there was a big old microwave and a carpet cleaner vacuum we could bring up.

Now, I had been there before, and this place is dirty in all the instantly expectable way, things strewn everywhere, trash giving a cramped feeling, left over stuff from the cats and children that no longer live there, and gives off a general dark and miserable feeling. And then the smell hits. Instantly unforgivable. It's not the smell of person, even a dirty person, just straight out ammonia from a horny cat spraying on everything. The kind of strong ammonia that makes the most overdone cologne smell like a slice of heaven.

So we bring the stuff up, and we discover there's a dead cockroach stuck inside the screen of the microwave, like where the timer is. Nessa's mom takes a knife to the front plate of this microwave. Basically, the microwave is made of dead cockroaches. So we lug it back down.

It's heavy, I'm already nervous from an awkward trek down stairs, I just wanna get it down on his dirty kitchen floor and get out. So I trip a bit getting into the kitchen, and I kick this giant bag of Meow Mix on the floor when I do. It moves about an inch and as we're putting it down I turn to see how much food fell out. and out from under it comes cockroaches. Not just one or two, folks. Somewhere between twenty or forty, all in different sizes. Man, it's about five hours later, and I've still got that paranoid itch going on.

I just don't understand someone letting a place get THAT fucking disgusting. And then paying rent on it! I mean, before that moment, I thought foul upkeep was my sister, but my sister would NEVER EVER EVER EVER let that happen, and when she was a wife and I'd go to her house, I never saw one fucking bug that wasn't in the backyard or being fed to her husband's frogs.

Man, I can't even say enough how wrong that was to me. Heh.

2007-08-15T15:19:00.001-07:00

Remember me saying I won second place in a contest on Pointless Drivel?

My prize pack is a greeting card, a can of what I'm thinking is silly putty (it's green and totally sweet, though a bit hard to get out of the tin), an LSD play kit (or rather, a light up molecule ball); a can of mints (not bacon mints, thank the Lord), a 15 dollar iTunes Gift Card (I'm thinking that once I get around to using it it'll buy me Paramore's RIOT! and maybe some of the better stuff Meg and Dia put out), and a Mr. Fabulous business card (I think a better picture would have been of him eating a banana in the presence of homophobes, but it still looks good regardless).

I think this is better than the first place prize by a long shot (books are for losers anyway). Thanks Fabby!

2007-08-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

Boys are stupid. It confuses me.

Okay, here's the situation. Friday, as I think I may have mentioned here, I saw The Boy and he had all these plans for how the day would go, including coming to pick me up some point that night, and he never showed up and it seems that nobody in the way of friends heard from him.

Saturday, I knew I wouldn't see him because he had work and it was his brother in law's birthday. Sunday, he had to go to a work thing way far away for a store opening or some crap, and he then had intentions of getting a group of people together to clean his apartment from the party his former room mate had before leaving.

Last night, I come home from Nessa's at eight thirty, stop by his apartment ... he's not home. I can't get a ride (ghettos prevent my parents or my own sanity to allow me to walk that single block in the dark) until ten thirty, and I go over then and nobody answers, I'd assume at this point because he's sleeping and not because he's still at work.

So, here's my question ... remember how I noted he lives a block away from me? Why, world, does he not just (even with his life being so busy) walk that one measly block to give me some sort of update as to what the ever loving hell's going on?

So I end where I started ... boys are stupid.

2007-08-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

I've decided today that seventeen is the suckiest age to be ever.

No, I'm not waiting excitedly to get the fuck out of my damn house. In fact, I quite like my parents. What I dislike, is that I'm three months (!) away from being 18, and I still keep getting treated like some fully dependent retard. Like, I made a doctor's appointment for Wednesday for my fucked up throat, that I'm gonna have to change on Monday because my parents just so happen to be out of town that day. My parents don't do ANYTHING, how the fuck was I supposed to know that, right?

Man, it just reminded me of how annoying the last six months or so has been, trying to freaking prove that when I turn 18 I'll be able to take care of myself and everybody just being like "but you're supposed to act like some retarded pre-teen until you turn 18 and then we expect you to do everything and think for yourself and all that crap."

Okay, The Boy need to show up. I'm supposed to hang out at his place tonight with some of his friends and I'm a total pain in the ass so like if he doesn't show up in twenty minutes I'm just gonna go over there and then slap him with a tuna when he's like, "Oh, yeah ... I was supposed to stop by your house ..." Though it could be my fault he's taking so long anyway ... seeing as how I was just so comfy it made him wanna sleep in until like one and he had stuffs to do anyway. Heh, whoops.

2007-08-09T22:21:00.001-07:00

So I definitely have to do some bragging right now.

I entered a contest on Pointless Drivel about a week or so ago. Concept was simple enough: here's the start of a short story, now finish it. My entry won me second place. Soon enough, my ~~utter crap~~ absolutely freaking fabulous prize will be at my mailbox and I'll be back to brag all about it.

In the meantime though, here is the story I created with a split between where his ends and mine begins.

It was a dark and stormy night. John and Marsha stared glumly at the fuel gauge in their Ford Taurus, which read empty.

“I guess we get out and walk from here,” sighed John, “Maybe we can find someone still up at this hour.”

Wordlessly they bundled up as best they could, got out of the car, and began to walk down the road. The rain had let up some, but they were still going to get soaked. After about thirty minutes of walking down the dark road, they rounded a bend and came upon what looked to be a farmhouse. Every light was on in the house, and as they got closer they could hear music coming from inside.

“Well, we may be in luck, ” exclaimed John.

The couple walked up onto the porch and after a moment’s hesitation, John knocked on the door. They waited, but no one came to and answered. John knocked harder. The music stopped. Silence. Then after another minute, they heard the lock turning and the door swung wide open.

“Well hello!” said the woman that opened the door. Or, was it a man? Women for the sake of the feminine facial features and not particularly tall stature. Man for the amount of body hair even on its face. Women for the breasts. Man for the possibility that they’re man breasts. Women for the hot pants and tight tee, and camel toe with it. Man for the abnormal proportions of the said camel toe.

“My name is Loren Jones, and I take it you would be the actors Mr. Fantabulous sent! But there’s only two of you, where are the others?”

John and Marsha looked at each other, quite disturbed by this “Loren” creature.

“Well no,” began John, “but our car did run out of gas and we could use some help finding a station, seeing as how we are in no way from around here…”

“No can do I’m afraid,” Loren replied oddly cheerful, “I’d usually be the first to help a set of strangers but I’m in the middle of filming some gang bang bukkake. Unless you can fill in for some of my missing folks for the next scene, I’m afraid I can’t help…”

“And that,” said John several months later to his wife Shirley, “is why I’m in that porno with your sister.”

It's a masterpiece, no?

---

In other news, the boy needs to stop having responsibility in his life and thus stop disappearing. As far as I know his ass is still at work, even though he's technically supposed to be out about six or six thirty. And it's ten thirty now. Or, and this is so all paranoia talking, he's hiding from me.

Then again, I said he was hiding from me the last time I couldn't find him, the time before that, and probably the time before that too. And he wasn't, he just had other shit to do.

Either it's paranoia, or I have a false ego trying to convince me that I'm in fact scary. Maybe both.

2007-08-09T00:38:00.000-07:00

Talk about fate.

Tonight I was supposed to see Labyrinth at a nearby theatre. 20th anniversary stuff. Well, it turned out the newspaper I got the information wrong had a misprint on the end date, and it ended last night. Since we were already downtown eating when we found out, my dad, his friend Tina and I just kept eating. It was a good time still.

I get home, and Nessa invites me to stay the night. Well, I have allergies to her cat (eyeballs go 'splodey sorta thing) and my stomach was just being a bitch, so I said no but that tomorrow I'd go see Simpsons Movie with her.

I play on the computer for a little bit, my tummy settles, and I hear the doorbell. I wait for someone to get it, seeing as how I was topless, but then realized no one was coming. So I throw the shirt on half assed (don't button it) and come to the door, and there's Mason.

"Wanna go get some food?"

"Actually, I just ate..."

"Oh."

"Wanna come in?"

So he came in for a little bit, we talked randomly, he explained how his room mate left ("Hey, I had a big ass party!" "Cool, clean it up!" "Nah, instead I think I'll just move out, take the most random ass shit, and try to make people believe you've been doing violent shit.") and how he had to replace the stuff he took. So my dad gave us a ride to the store (I went along because I hadn't seen him in so long I couldn't stand to be away from him so fast again, and plus he had obviously wanted to hang out with me anyway).

We walked around looking at and buying random shit, talking about random things, and trying to not be affectionate at all for about an hour, before my dad came and took us to his house.

So I started to give specific details to the event (blame the writer in me) but it was pretty personal and I'll just stick with his quote for the night: "fuck all this, you're mine". Honestly, the whole thing was kind of more sweet than I'm used to, as I sort of skimmed the top of when I talked about him and I getting together a few posts ago. But it was nice.

Even though it made me really feel bad for being so mad at him. Until I went, "meh, it was justified in your head at the time" and dropped it. But I guess when my happy dies down a little and his life gets a little less hectic, I should probably sit down and work out what was actual concerns for us and what was just me wanting to chuck things at his head for making me feel like crap, and talk about it. In the meantime however, I just missed him so bad and everything just in general feels better now that it's not all so insanely up in the air what the fuck is going on, since my view had changed to "once he can get his ass to see me, I'll worry about it."

I'm ready to sleep now though. Even though it may be hard on me cos I napped today. Blah.

2007-08-08T01:37:00.000-07:00

After a barely there night of sleep, I don't get up until noon, noon thirty. I'm barely conscious all day, refusing with all I have to nap to ensure that maybe, just maybe, I'll get that good night's sleep tonight. Then I get home, and the moment my head touches that soft cushy pillow, I'm wide awake with thoughts.

New thoughts, old thoughts, thoughts of boys, thoughts of That Boy, thoughts of the girl who hasn't been a real friend of mine in years but I still wanna kill her now that I know she was the one saying those things about me, thoughts of food, thoughts of bad Japanese horror movies, thoughts of what I want but don't know how to get, thoughts of DAMMIT DOG GET OFF ME I'M TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP.

It's two am damn near. I have to be up by seven to get to the fucking DMV before it packs. I barely slept at all last night, why can't I just sleep now?

2007-08-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

Went to a concert Friday night. Had too much fun. Proven by the fact that I've done nothing all of today except wander over to Mason's to try to hang out with him (to find he wasn't home...) and lay around and do nothing but go "oww, something hurts ... no, wait, everything hurts..."

I must say, it felt quite good to take my aggression at life out on strangers, and have it be okay because they were doing the same thing back. Except I almost threw some bitch into the pit face first by her fucking hair for shoving me around for a good ten or twenty minutes for no actual reason. Especially when she shoved me into said pit and nearly got me injured. Over, and over, and over. It seemed like the moment I said "one last time and I'm turning around and killing her" to myself it stopped though. Fucking passive aggressive loon.

Anyway. Yeah, I really have nothing to talk about except that I'm really bummed out that Mason never showed up.

2007-08-02T23:20:00.000-07:00

You know, I could just use some fucking good news right now.

I mean, the amount of bad that's been going on with me and my friends and family is fucking ridiculous, and I can't stop worrying about it all and I'm gonna make myself fucking sick.

This isn't fucking small shit I can talk about here in a public domain, either. This is like, stuff that could split families, get people in serious trouble, and just plain shit I don't want to fucking hear about right now.

Maybe I just need school to start again. My next semester does look promising.

2007-07-31T23:38:00.000-07:00

An idea of my life.
Melony Louise: So want to hear how socially inept Nessa and I are?
Sam: Sure lol
Melony Louise: I told her I had an idea of making business of cards that said "Hi, you look like you may be an awesome person, here's my: (email, myspace, all messangers)" to hand out to people so I could make friends.
Melony Louise: I said this hoping I'd be mocked.
Melony Louise: Not only does she like the idea, she wants her own set!
Sam: ...
Sam: Dude.
Sam: ....
Sam: Can I have a set too?

2007-07-29T20:26:00.001-07:00

So I did nothing today. I had plans to do house work for a little bit of pocket change, but turned into a sobby mess for absolutely no reason, so my mom said to take the day to be emo.

But I really want to thank Nessa for being my friend.

I needed someone yesterday to fill in for me with Blogathon, so I could work out this crap with Mason. She came over and not only did it, but did it for two to three hours longer than either of us expected her to, with little to no complaint.

When I came home, miserable and choking back tears, she accepted that I needed the time to pull myself together before I could say what happened, and when I did tell her the details, she minimally expressed disappointment in him but went on to only talk me up about how much better I could do and what a hot commodity I am. It's the best for me way a friend has ever reacted to my break-up woes, since people I've considered close in the past maintained a "what the fuck ever" stance on the end of my relationships (and my heartbreaks, necessary for the situation or not) except for the one occasion in which an ex brought his girlfriend to my house within a month of our split and nearly got head from her. Then it was a "kick-his-ass-he-hurt-Mel" fest.

Oddly now that I think about it, that's how I met Mason the first time.

This is about Nessa though! And even though I'm not taking her advice on this one, I appreciate her caring enough and seeing me in a good enough light that she could honestly talk me up enough to even consider dating right away (and yes, I did consider it for a good part of last night).

Point is, she's been a really good friend to me in the time I've been "besties" with her, and I think before the last 48 hours I had forgotten that, cos so much has been going on with her and her life that her patience runs a little dry at times. But, to point, thank you so much Nessa for being good to me and in close range when I need you (and putting up with me when I need to be put up with)! <3

2007-07-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

Mason is a complete moron.

I can't call him the Boy anymore cos he's not.

Here's the reason for our breaking up (and no, he wasn't hiding from me.)

He sucks, he says. Poor, bad health, an asshole. So, I should date around for the next two months, and see if he's really the best I can do.

Mel's say? Who gives a fuck about Mel's say? Mason says, and so it is. Three co-workers said this is an absolutely genius idea, so instead of him talking to Mel about it, he declares it to be!

He wants me to be happy, he says. Long term. I don't get a say on whether it would make me happy or if I even want to think that far (my say on life for just about anything is stick with it until it doesn't make you happy anymore. He could make me happy until his premature death, he could make me happy for ... okay, well, with all this crap he's been pulling, my happy with him is gone, so what the fuck ever.)

The advice I've been given is all over the wall. "If he wants you to date, date." "If your only option is to never see him again, well, it was nice knowing him." And my mom, who I think just may be the voice of reason on this one: "Continue to refuse. Sit on your ass, don't date, continue to tell him he's being stupid, and tell him you're just plain gonna wait for him to come to his senses."

And well, I'm coming to a bit of my own path on this. I see him sometime this week (yes, we're gonna try to be friends, and yes, it's going to blow, I'll come back to that thought in a moment) and I'm going to sit him down and talk about this again. Better explain my side of things now that I've thought about it. And probably lose him plainly, because it will be having to explain what I mean when I say, "I am completely child like in how I think and deal with things." Or maybe I'm just sane. It's just weird to me how all my friends can be seventeen, eighteen, nineteen and go, "I want a family soon or now." Better parents have more life experience, folks! Other children can keep up with your children, you don't have to. I lost my point I think.

Point is, he's always seen us as long term from the beginning. Not the long term of "six months from now," but the long term that I always loathed in my sister and her boyfriends. "When we get married, have kids, blahblah." It's always made me a bit uncomfortable but I love him so I put up with it, laugh about it. But now I think it might be costing me this instead of making it stronger.

So, going back to the couple things I wanted to. Wednesday, he had dinner ready for me at his place. I was waiting around anxiously for him. Thursday, he worked late and went right to bed. Friday, he went to a movie. Lucky of me to catch him yesterday, cos he's going to be fishing all of today.

And why being friends with him after this will suck. Though I've known him for nearly two years now, we were never close. I was always uncomfortable around him because I liked him so much and didn't want to make a complete fool out of myself. While I was with Sam (which would be a month or two before I was with him) I started talking to him cos he would be on myspace all the time, but even those he makes out to be more frequent than they were. Crush-like feelings had seemingly gone away because I was so into having sex with a girl (note that I say I wasn't really so into the girl. Whoops.)

Then, around Christmas, I hung out with Kalee (whose family Mason lived with) to job hunt (yeah, the day after Christmas is not the time to find work, I know that now) and when I went back to their house, Mason invited me to stay for D&D. He was easier to talk to because I wasn't drooling over him, and I guessed that made him notice me.

The next day, we were all but going at it on their living room floor.

So wait Mel, why does this make trying to be his friend uncomfortable?

Because I have a day's experience of being his friend, and seven months experience of being his girlfriend. I've become used to the affection. Even the little things I do I'll have to make go away. And I'm not sure I can do it. Even if he's gonna bitch at me every time about how I need to stop being attached to him so I can do better. Yeah, you're a little too late Dickhead.

Okay, well, now I've rambled on and I don't know if I feel better or not. I guess it's gonna be that way for awhile, isn't it?

2007-07-27T00:28:00.000-07:00

Ugh.

Break ends Wednesday. Boy never shows.

I give him until Thursday at about eight, then I go over to his place.

...Nobody's home?

I come back after an hour.

...Nobody's home!

Should I be mad? Worried? Apathetic? Seriously, I have no clue how to react to this, except to cancel my potential plans for tomorrow and go over there again. I don't know what to think, nobody around me knows what to think ... as much as I don't like saying this, it's basically all-consuming in my thought process.

Ugh!

2007-07-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

I should write a post tonight, but I'm far too mopey and worry-some at the moment to be of any use. Try me again tomorrow.

2007-07-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

I was on Mr. Fab's radio show as a caller today to badger my friend Katili. It was only like fifteen minutes and my phone refused to live through much of it, but somehow hockey came up, and I wanted to tell this story but the moment I began to, Mr Fab announced that it was time to close up and then I announced that Katie lost the game.

This is a good idea of what The Boy's like: he was kicked out of kid's roller hockey for being too violent. He saw hockey on TV, didn't really understand the mechanics, but saw people beating on each other with huge sticks in hand and thought, "now that's my kind of sport!" After a short period of time, there was a petition with 150 signatures on it to boot him out since he kept making the other kids cry. From a team of like maybe at most 15 or 20 kids.

I do believe he said himself that until he was booted he continued to not be very good at the game itself but still had lots of fun beating on the other children.

God I love him, heehee.

(This post made due to the fact that Mel in fact had no life today beyond Neopets, sleeping, and masturbation.)

2007-07-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

I don't even want to get into how retarded last night was, but I guess I will try to briefly summarize.

See Nessa. See Nessa's short temper. See Nessa's short temper shorten because she got hit by a car Monday and so she's in severe pain even after three Vicoden. See Nessa get pissed at ... everything. Fast forward to one in the morning. See Melony screaming at Nessa in the middle of the Barnes and Noble parking lot for being damn near completely unpleaseable for an entire three hours.

See that work until we get to her place and then she decides I somehow spoiled something major for asking something about the sixth book to someone else.

Women, ugh.

Then I woke up and my eyes were swollen. Cats. How I hate those that aren't my own. By now, the swelling's gone down (though it took half the day) but my right eye is leaking something weird and at times sticky. How concerned should I be?

Anyway ... THE END OF HARRY POTTER! THE SURPRISE ENDING! IS! THAT! ... HARRY POTTER IS REALLY LORD VOLDEMORT'S LEFT PINKY!

It's in my future plans, like post Nessa reading the book cos otherwise I won't live to tell the tale, to buy a white tee and write the last sentence of the book on it on the back, and then a list of all the fatalities along with corresponding page number on the front. It will be awesome.

2007-07-19T21:38:00.000-07:00

Happy 100th here at MLIBP!

My hair is now purple in celebration of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The Boy will kill me, but it will be worth it.

I will be dressing up, so I may take a picture of my costume before I go to wait. Am quite excited.

Now, time to pimp out my Blogathon effort. URL to the blog itself is melloublogathon.blogger.com. I'm blogging for Planned Parenthood. You can leave me a pledge here.

What shall my theme be? I do not know yet, maybe I won't even have one. But I'm still freaking excited.

And I almost forgot, tonight is the last night my friend Sam is in town. She is off to Kentucky to live with her gaia girlfriend.

...I'm not sure I could make this shit up if I wanted to.

But I went with her and some of her friends to get Mongolian BBQ. The food was kind of eh, but I had a good time with the folks, they were some crazy nerds. Um, yep. I played Neopets all day, so I really have nothing to talk about.

2007-07-18T21:40:00.001-07:00

Thought One:
This is my 99th post. Wild.

Thought Two:
I need to get back into the blogging groove. I blame school. And Thought Three.

Thought Three:
The Boy sucks. Here we go, a thought I can stick with for awhile. So, he has a lot going on for him right now. He just got his own place, equipped with two tard room mates. Okay, I'll rephrase, one's a tard, the other is just living on his own for the first time and is having to learn how shit works. But the tard is a huge complication. Isn't paying shit, says he'll be paying backrent eventually, is trying to get in the army, is a disrespectful bastard, is most likely going to screw The Boy over. And he has me. And I think he's gone and convinced himself that I'm too good for him.
So right now, we're exactly halfway through a two week break for him to sort his life out and for both of us to think about us. And whether or not he's gonna hold me back in the long term.
This is one of those rare situations where I tell my friends and family what's going on in my life, and they all have the same reaction, my own included. "ROFL, silly Boy."
But I'm just hoping that it's just stress from other things influencing his other thoughts and so he'll come back and be like "Yeah, I was a dumbass," instead of me having to actually convince him he's being a dumbass.
Also, I'm depressed as all hell by not having him around. Made worse by the fact that he's not even one block away and yet I can't go see him as I need to. There is an upside though, and that is...

Thought Four:
I'm dying my hair purple tomorrow in time for the Harry Potter book premiere. The Boy WILL kill me when he finds out, but I'll just be "psh, bitch, that's what you get for leaving me alone for two weeks after making about two hundred jokes about sleeping with your room mate's huge-tittied girlfriend."

Five:
Good news, I no longer need to look for work as I have a job lined up. Bad news, I don't start said job until January, and in the meantime no one will hire me for a multitude of reasons (mostly to the effect of "you minor, you suck, come back when you're not jailbait!").

End on Six:
SUMMER SCHOOL IS DONE FOR ME AS OF TODAY! WOOHOO! And unless I majorly screwed up my final (there's a small chance...) I got through with a B!

I will be back tomorrow. If I'm not, here are all my messengers and you may bother me the moment Thursday ends in California!
AIM: lucious CROCKPOT
Y!M: goddessrabichi@sbcglobal.net
MSN: melonylouise@hotmail.com

If I'm not online at all on any of these, it means something happened to my computer and I am gone with right!

2007-07-07T15:25:00.001-07:00

So I keep going, "I should update my blog."

And then I go, "I'll wait until tonight."

And then, I never update. Yes, I am aware of how much I suck.

So, some updates on my life:

- The Boy finally got his own place. I was worried for awhile about who his room mate was going to be, but I'm finding him not to be as bad as I thought. Plus, he's going to the army in a few months, so he's only temporary and the Ginger (who I've always gotten along with pretty well) will take his place. Yaaay!
- My art class is a bit of an awkward venture for me. First off, I'm only at a C+ at most because of a joke I made on my second portfolio (and yes, my own inability to grasp "value," but I didn't lack a grasp of it to the point of a 198/300). Second off, all the people in my class that I talk to are over 35. Third off, I have this odd crush on a girl in my class. Obviously, one of those things I wouldn't act on, but yeah.
- I'm trying to get a job. I just started hunting this week. I think I might already be failing.
- I'm going to be doing Blogathon 2007. Hold out for a post with details of what I'm doing it for and how to sponsor me.

2007-06-30T22:50:00.000-07:00

So I've been awarded this not by one person, but two. One, being Whenn of Opinion Minions, and the other being Mr. Fab of Pointless Drivel. Though I guess for the sake of this he's Miss Fab. Whatever.

Quoteth Miss Fab: "She is my only angst-ridden internet skank bisexual friend who is under legal voting age."

Quoteth Whenn: "This intelligent 17 year old from California writes about her personal experiences as an adolescent in a not so innocent world. I must say, I am very surprised at how much times have changed since I was a teen! Melony Louise writes in a witty and intelligent manner, giving full release to her thoughts and feelings. Keep rockin' girl!"

Thanks to the both of you! And now. The rules say to tag five others, but I really only have one person to tag, since I'm not as good of a blog whore as I should be, and that would be...

Katili of KatScratchFever. What, I love her, dammit! She got me addicted to Pokemon (well, I would have done that to myself anyway, but...), Animal Crossing, Twitter, blogging in general, and now she might even get me in on her little Blythe craze. She's a spiffy chick, and plus ... she has one of the cutest voices ever. Really!
----
So I think I need some advice. Though maybe I just need to rant a little. So my ex-girlfriend is in town until the 20th. And Sam is totally awesome and I love hanging around her, especially now more than before, cos she's just grown up a lot in such a short time and yeah. But there's a problem in that we're for the most part not uncomfortable with each other.
Here's what I mean. She hugs me at random. Cuddles on me. Kisses my cheeks. Sits in my lap. Would give family-like pecks on the lips if I let her.

The Boy is a pretty jealous boy. He gets irritated at me playing gay with my straight friends. So my thoughts are, should I feel guilty about how comfortable she is with me (I am) and should I put a stop to it (I do have a limit, as mentioned, but it's a broad one)? The answer to my own question that keeps popping up is, "if she was a he, would you let him act that way?"

But I don't know if that's applicable or what. And I'm kind of afraid to ask The Boy when I see him tomorrow cos I don't want there to be a fight or him to just be ... disappointed? I don't know, it's an odd feeling.

Okay, well, I'm NyQuil'd up, so I'm probably gonna sleep here soon. Gnite!

2007-06-29T21:36:00.000-07:00

I've been sick the last couple days.

So I don't have too much to say.

Um, whenn of Opinion Minions gave me an award, and I wanted to note that, but I'm too tired at the moment to make a post about it. Or anything. Except about how I want to get back into the rhythm of blog postage.

So probably not tomorrow cos The Boy's coming for a visit, but Sunday night, I'll be back and posting about whenn's award.

I better be. Or else I'll have to answer to me. And it won't be pretty.

2007-06-24T21:17:00.001-07:00

Today was nice. It was one of the laziest days I've had in awhile. All I did was post around on DeviantArt and try to make friends on DarkStarlings, oh and at some point I made fries. Yum. But The Boy spent the night last night. That was nice. He put a "hideously inappropriate" (thanks Fab, now I can't stop using that term) picture on my phone this morning, and I should delete it before Nessa snoops through my phone as she does religiously, but at the same time I keep contemplating putting it just as my wallpaper and watch people get horrified by it. It'd be funny.

Well, yeah. That really summarizes my day (without factoring in all the sexums) so I think I'm gonna fall asleep so I can wake up in the morning. Damn school.

2007-06-22T22:13:00.000-07:00

I got broken up with today.

No, not by The Boy. We're fine.

Remember me saying yesterday about my friend Whoreboy? Well, I decided to just say something, cos it'd been 24 hours, and I was still peeved. I tried to be subtle at first, but he persisted in on being a dick, so I just got straight to the point, harsh. He casually blew it off. Basically said he was an asshole for not sucking up his pride and apologizing, but if he can't even do that why does he try to be my friend? And the reaction was basically "I treat you like shit and never apologize because I don't want you around."

Honestly, it didn't ruin my day, but it hurt. The fact that he was hurting my feelings, knew he was hurting my feelings, and didn't give two flying fucks, but was still too much of a pussy to say things between us just weren't that great in the way of a friendship until he was hurting me that bad.

But now I see with hindsight he's been a dick to me that way the whole time. Couldn't break up with me, had to try to get into my best friends pants. Can't remember him ever saying anything to woo me, romantic or just friendly. A couple times he went out of his way to say something mean to me.

I keep wondering though if I'd accept an apology if it were given.

And I have to reach out real quick. Because I came home and just realized that my little drama and angst that was just described to you is nothing compared to the heartache NYC Watchdog over at apileofdogbones.com is going through. I'm a stranger to this man, but when I heard the news my heart broke and I cried like a two year old. I can only imagine how painful this must be for him and those close to him. If I had money, I would totally buy some graphics to support. As I said in comment, words can't express how sorry I am, and my heart goes out to him and his friends & family.

2007-06-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

Y'know, there are too many useless people in the world.

Some examples of it in my day today, hm?

My friend Whoreboy. I'd been trying to hang with him and Nessa since Tuesday. Tuesday, he was a dollar short, telling me last minute. Wednesday, his parents said he had to clean the garage. So he said that we'd so hang today. But! Guess which faggot didn't clean his garage like a fucking adult? Whoreboy. I used to blame so much of this shit on his parents being over controlling and, don't get me wrong, they are, but now I see that so much of it is him. Like, I have to do all the fucking work for us to kick it. Really!

Nessa's most recent ex-boy. So some of this is us, but really, by the end, you'll see things my way. Okay, at the beginning of the hatching of this plan, all I knew was "this girl Lettie's trying to cause problems for Nessa," "Ex-Boy is a whiny bitch," and, "Lettie works in the meat department of the grocery store Ex-Boy is a clerk at."

So let's be pests to them back. I have like thirty condoms I have no use for, lets take ten and throw them around, since otherwise their destiny is just a life of condom balloons. We hid wrappers in random places (well, three of them, the rest we poured out of our pockets into a toilet with one more condom) and put the actual condoms in random places (I guess the one idea that was just a little too far was sticking one on top of the tub of gummy worms).

Then, I shoved one more on that prick's car. Cos I've never liked him and now I have a good enough excuse to not like him.

So, some fighting later after (s)Lettie calls us immature (well, we ignored that) and the Ex-Boy cried (there was no shutting Nessa up on that one, because we nicknamed him "Sir Criesalot" for a reason), I learned that Nessa's issues with him is actually that he left pictures of her up weeks after they split so all his friends could say nasty shit about her. Like, "can't turn a ho into a housewife" sort of shit. So, we were being silly, and he's useless and much less of a gentleman than he claims to be, and that's what I'm going to stick to.

I think I had another example but my rant has already lost its momentum...

2007-06-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

Today was off.

I had at least one full panic attack in the middle of my class. And many half ass "hey, you're getting close" moments. I was behind on sleep for at least the first half of my day. The second half, post-nap, wasn't too bad until I tried to see The Boy.

I have no clue if I've mentioned here, but he has to move. The family he's staying with is moving, and they can't take him. Not that he could go anyway, because of work. But it's been stressful for him. He's too short on the money, his current room mate (a complete partier with terrible priorities and no concept of clean) has invited himself to come along and not pay a down payment, his soon-to-be room mate (I love David. David > Dumbass) is having trouble finding work, and now something else happened today and he was so stressed he seemed to barely get through a conversation with me, let alone really want to see me. My ego's a tad bruised.

Is it stupid? Yes. Am I still hurt anyway? Yeah.

And then Stacy is coming back tomorrow, and everyone's miserable here because of it.

Okay, dinner. Sorry that you guys finally get an update and I'm being emo.

2007-06-18T20:56:00.001-07:00

So you guys get a real update after I make my radio show premiere:

http://blogtalkradio.com/rocktalkradio

(I know I've been bad on updates lately, it's been a lot of staying up late doing shit.)

2007-06-16T01:17:00.000-07:00

Just popping in to say, "I'm still not dead yet."

But that I am incredibly bored thanks to the folks The Boy lives with, because their idea of giving a message is "we'll be sure to tell him tomorrow morning. Maybe."

Thanks, it's not like I was trying to make plans with him tonight or anything. Ah well, he'll be out soon enough and my stress meter over that shit will go down. Or, it better.

2007-06-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

"That's probably a good thing. In the same way that each cigarette takes seven minutes off your life, playing D&D delays the time it takes for you to lose your virginity by seven days."

This is a recent comment I got on an earlier blog entry. Why do I find this amusing? Cos I'd still be a virgin were it not for Dungeons and Dragons. It's true! It's how I met The Boy in the first place, and I stayed over to play the night before we got together. Also, no one in our group's a virgin, so go figure.

Okay, I was tagged by Whenn to give 8 facts about myself. I don't have people to tag, I'm too lazy for rules, so here we go:

1. See above.
2. I used to have a best friend who was weirdly connected to my family by birthdays. She was a Gemini and I a Scorpio, while her mom was a Scorpio and mine a Gemini. Her mother was born on my grandmother from my dad's side's birthday, while her father was born on my granny from my mom's side's birthday. Vweirdness.
3. I have two dents in the middle of my shins. They come from a concert I went to for my fifteenth birthday, where basically, we got stuck sitting on our knees. If I moved to apple cross, I couldn't see, and if I even semi stood, a guard would freak.
4. Mr. Fab's postcard to me from a couple weeks ago sits proudly on my fridge.
5. I should be a few inches taller than I am, but I was put on steroidal allergy medicine as a twelve year old. Another reason I'm not fond of UC Davis.
6. Actually, in truth, I'm glad my growth is stunted cos right now The Boy and I are the same height and I know that if I ended up taller than him I probably wouldn't have been interested. Yes, I am an asshole like that.
7. I once won a beach towel on AOL, but this was before I was internet addicted so by the time I went to claim it I was three days too late.
8. Until I was about six, I hated music. Or so I claimed. In truth, I hated loud music. It'd interfere with my thinking. Now I want to be a musician. Hee.

2007-06-12T23:30:00.001-07:00

Things that made tonight awkward.

Six of us at a table at TGIFriday's. First one's leaving for Oregon in the morning, the next one had a big fat crush on me about a year ago, next is his girlfriend and The Boy's exgirlfriend with her adorable few month old baby (who for Chrissake isn't The Boy's!), then me, then the black guy whose nice enough but his very presence is resulting in some of the shittiest service I ever had, then a deaf girl I have no way of communicating with.

I rarely have issues with jealousy, but when I do, I can't control what I'm thinking. Mixed with bad microwaved food, I barely ate. I got a fifteen dollar bill tonight for shitty food, shitty service, and Ryan's salad. Assholes.

And homework is on my mind a lot. It's painful.

2007-06-10T22:26:00.000-07:00

So we ended up not playing D&D because one of the key players disappeared and so we swam and played video games and slept instead.

Today I basically cleaned and hung out online and tried to stay awake up to right now so that I could get a decent night sleep cos, guess who starts summer school tomorrow? I do!

I'm seriously about to crash onto the keyboard. Night folks!

2007-06-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was too much of people being mad at me, mostly family. I don't feel like divulging into that teen angst with details, but basically it was this:

"You're wrong." "You're right, I'm wrong. This is why." "Well, now you're wrong for these reasons too." "Okay, those are things I'm also trying to fix and I feel like you're kicking my attempts in the face." "You're an asshole for not just bending over, shutting up, and taking it like a bitch." "Wtf."

But I got to hang out with Nessa and The Boy. But there was fighting there too. Grr.

Hope that tonight will be better for me!

2007-06-07T23:44:00.001-07:00

All I have the energy for is, if you get a chance to see Peachcake in concert, do so. We played Duck, Duck, Goose. (:

2007-06-06T22:23:00.000-07:00

Today was boring
Home alone with nothing
To do at all, yeah.

I'm sick of haikus.

But seriously. Today, I wrote some of (what I hope will be) my new novel. I watched Pan's Labyrinth. I updated all my blogs. I played Pokemon. I watched TV. I was bored the entire time.

Nessa was supposed to come over? She had to cancel cos she had too much to do.

The Boy was supposed to come over? He hasn't even called tonight. I don't know if he's at work, at home, raped somewhere, anything. What really pisses me off is I can't even call over there and see if they know what's up with him because of the stuff with who he lives with. Frustrating.

2007-06-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

My day in haiku cos I'm tired:

Saw my aunt Nadine
she's a bitch but her grandkid
is way fucking cute.

And my cousin is
nice enough (not Lisa, the
other one) but dim.

Quite needless to say,
it was the longest three and
half hours ever.

But it balanced out
Cos I went with Lisa and
The Boy to a show.

Heigl is "Knocked Up"
And this movie is so so
so freaking funny.

Plus, Katherine Heigl
has sex scenes and I am a
Big fan of her rack.

FIN.

2007-06-04T22:27:00.000-07:00

So Lisa and I went and saw Pirates of the Caribbean 3 today. I think I actually liked it more than the other two. One good reason would be because it instantly drew me in and made my interest intensified while the other two gave me an initial reaction of "gee, why am I watching a movie about a roller coaster?" and then made getting involved hard at times.

I also loved Calypso. I mean, what's not to love!?

After that, we went and walked basically in a circle through Folsom. We went under the freeway by the entrance of Historic Folsom, walked by Folsom Lake in a sort of mini nature walk, popped out in the middle of Historic Folsom, and then went right back to the entrance. Then we hopped on the Lightrail and went Downtown to Old Sacramento. For Evangeline's Costume Mansion. Lisa was like in love with that place. Like usually I go there with local friends and we poke around for a half hour at most and then we move on. But we were there close to two hours. It was fun.

Then we came home and I made friends with this security guard on the rail ... I think his name was either Bif or Jeff. He took my phone number. I'm kind of nervous or something similar cos I feel like I might have accidentally been a tease (I'm kind of slow to catching people trying to feel out a potential interest) but he seemed like a cool funny person and I wouldn't mind making friends with him.

And so now I've been home about an hour and a half or two hours, just being kind of bored. Oh, and getting in a small fight with my ex-girlfriend about whether or not she'll grope me when she sees me again. Apparently, acting like being overly friendly and sexual was a big part of her personality makes me an asshole. Even if it's true. Because she's grown up now.

I really only like women for their bodies. Cos mentally they're too much fucking work. Yes, even for fellow women. Augh.

2007-06-03T22:06:00.000-07:00

So Lisa is currently in the living room with Naomi watching the television. I kind of don't have any clue what to talk to her about, so once we end up alone in a room together, it's just awkward silence. I wish I was more comfortable with people.
And today when I got home all this shit happened with Kalee. I'm not sure I should even get into the details because it's teen drama and I'd just go on forever, but I will say that for about a half hour I was so fucking livid that I could see myself in my mind's eye going over there and beating the shit out of her. Was it really that bad? Probably not, and in fact, I'm not sure I wouldn't do the same thing in her place. But the way she managed it was utter bullshit. "Okay, so like, I talk big like I'm gonna kick some ass, but in truth I'm a scared little girl and I need my Daddy to save me."
But I love Lisa, because she kept insisting, "I have the solution, Mel! I'll go kick her ass for you! Come on! She doesn't know me so it'll be perfect!" Only now I have to hope that for the next 48 hours nobody jumps her cos otherwise it'll be my fault. Then again, she has lots of enemies, so who knows.
So tomorrow we're gonna be doing stuff cos Lisa's in town, so that update should be way better.

2007-06-02T22:29:00.000-07:00

So today it was me, The Boy, Nessa, The Ginger, and Robert, who I'm pretty sure I haven't talked about here. By the time we got to actually playing Dungeons and Dragons, we decided not to introduce me cos I'd just be leaving anyway. Ah well, I just hope Nessa likes it (she's still off losing her D&D virginity) because I think as a group we have a pretty good chemistry going, if you know what I mean.

Actually, that's all I really did today. It's more boring written than it is in action.

But my cousin Lisa's going to be coming up tomorrow. So I get to wake up at five am (that's in six and a half hours) and drive down to Freedom, California (I think that's the Santa Cruz area) and pick her up, and then drive back up. Oh well, at least I'll get to see Lisa! Her and I aren't very close, mostly cos I think we're both shy, but I'd like to be at least closer. So I think how things are gonna go is that we're just gonna go everywhere in Rancho ... which means that two days is just long enough to fit everything, maybe even in fact leave some dead air space.

Okay, well I need sleep and my stomach's acting super funny, so gnite folks!

2007-06-02T00:26:00.000-07:00

So plans changed, so I get to bring you folks a better update.

The graduation was boring. Too many graduates I didn't know, too many people to get a decent seat, and they stuck the graduates in the middle of a fucking FOOTBALL FIELD. It lacked both intimacy and a feeling of, "hey, my grad's kinda famous!"

Then pool. Pool was fun in indescribable without being a bore ways. The entire night had an interesting thing to it (for me anyway) because Nessa has a crush on one of the guys I'm friends with, who has a girlfriend. Part of me feels like a jerk because I'm apathetic, maybe even a little happy, at the idea of them working out, because he and his girl are probably about to break up for reasons they can't control anyway. Part of me's just rolling with that take on it because ... well, he and his girl are probably about to break up for reasons they can't control anyway. Plus, they'd be cute together.

You know. I know there was more to today than this and the guitar stuff. But, I can't remember it to save my life. So, I'm gonna just wait for The Boy to get online now. Gnite!

2007-06-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

Quick post so I may inform folks that for the next few days, posts MAY be sporatic.

Tonight I'm going to another graduation, to play pool afterwards, and to play D&D after that even. Sunday I'm driving down to Santa Cruz to pick up my cousin, who'll be in town until Wednesday.

To summarize today: I drove all over, got a guitar, played it for twenty minutes, tried to tune it, broke a string, and then sat around bored until last minute Nessa called saying, "hey chicka I'm not sick anymore so head your ass over to Cordova!"

So now I'm finishing my sammich and doing such.

2007-05-31T21:46:00.001-07:00

So I guess the term "Internet Blog Project" might be a little bit more applicable to what I'm doing now.

To explain, I have expanded myself over several sites, and will probably end up on more by the time I'm back in school (June 11th). So this is my site for talking about my life; my Tumblr is for quotes, conversations, and websites; my Vox is for QotDs, Vox Hunts, and discussions of books, movies, shows, and CDs; my finetune is my attempt to both expand my musical taste and share it with others; and my twitter is for all those little updates in between.

Then, I'm hoping to get back to 43things which would be for my eternal quest to improve on myself (or just try a couple kinky sex acts). In other words ... NOW is the time to throw your latest internet trend at me to see if I'm interested! I also feel a little behind because I just jumped on the Technorati boat.

To quote my Tumblr (like Katili did), "[Melony Louise: more determined to be a world-famous internet whore than j00.] "

Okay, so back to life.

I went to the doctor today for my panic attacks (finally). I had a small scare because he asked at random, "does your family have a history of heart disease?" I was like, "oh my God, I'm the start of a history of heart disease in my family, aren't I!?" But then he went back to normal discussion of panic attacks. I'm supposed to get a phone call from The Mind Institution in Downtown Sacramento, and if I don't by Monday, I'm to call them.

And I realized at the doctor that I am far too optimistic. To the point that yes, I realized that there have been problems, but it never clicked how much is happening to me at once. Coming up in less than six months is my 18th birthday. Here in a couple weeks I go to summer school. My dad's coping with alcoholism. My mom fights with him a lot for it. The Boy has heart problems, and depression related to it. And I'm sure that if you didn't see my rant about Stacy, you will soon.

It's uncharacteristic of me, almost. I can think back to previous points in my life where, when things got just a little rough, I was ready to freak and bitch and moan. But you know what it is? I've always had a good, tight knit, happy family, even with the problems. But now I have friends [and a boy] that make me feel the same way. Where it used to bother me that I didn't have many people in my life, it doesn't any more, because the relationships are of quality so I don't need the quantity.

This is all nice, until you realize that it's allowing me to not deal with problems and let them manifest into ... attacks. It's very strange, how not even being happy makes me truly happy.

2007-05-30T22:19:00.000-07:00

So tonight was The Boy's high school graduation, and let's just start off with the obvious part of what made this night awesome for me. I am so proud of him! It hadn't quite hit me before when he was like, "yay I finished my credits," but seeing him walk tonight, and just knowing how happy he was ... I am so fucking proud of him!

Then, I got to meet his mom. Which I didn't except to happen at all because they are very estranged. It's not my business to splurge on the details of what happened there but ... yeah. But I know that despite the awkward quality to it, that he was really happy to see her there. And the funny thing, is I happened to sit right by her, and the moment I took one look at her, I went, "that's his mom." Family's funny like that, isn't it?

And then the part that was just so evil yet fun for me. So, Kalee. I've mentioned her. We were friends. Best friends. Now we aren't. Partly she's in constant need of attention, partly she takes some sort of pleasure in cutting people down, partly she feels my being with The Boy is abandoning her because I prefer his company to hers. So there's been minimal attempts to keep a connection going between us for the last say year, but her allowing my at the time boyfriend to try to make moves on her, and allowing him to try to kill our friendship ... well, we'll say he succeeded in a straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back sort of way.

So she's taken up singing. Odd, coming from a girl who used to underhandedly compliment me, someone with full on interest in music (and singing) as a lifestyle, with, "well, at least your voice is better than mine." And she bragged last night about how she'd be opening with the National Anthem. And then tonight, she ... butchered the shit out of it. And the entire graduating class of '07 laughed throughout her entire performance.

And my friend David, aka The Ginger, who I absolutely freaking love to death like a soulless brother, said to her face, "Well, if you weren't so nervous, your voice would have cracked less, and ... if you had any singing talent at all, you'd have done absolutely fine!"

I really shouldn't be so happy dance-y about that, but ... I just love the whole karma slap to the face aspect of it.

2007-05-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

Got up at 8:45 this morning so I could ride my bike to my doctor's appointment.

Got there, got in, only to have the nurse tell me, "you don't have a guardian with you, you have to go home."

I. Hate. Doctors. And the people who work around them. And the way they fucking do things.

I mean, let's think about this ... this is the same doctor who always ushers my mom out of the room (or at least tries to) so we can talk privately about my vag, even though when it comes to talking to doctors she knows more about it than I do. I'm supposed to be able to get birth control secretly from these people.

But I go in, alone, when all my family is too busy to take me in, and it's like "Noooo, we can't have this!"

And then when I was getting my blood pressure taken, someone said HI MELONY! And I saw their face, and I said hi, but ... WHO THE FUCK WERE THEY!? AHHHH!

And I end this with, my salmon thingie isn't that great, and I'll make a better update tonight, if I remember.

2007-05-28T18:35:00.001-07:00

Last night through to today was weird. Hell, the last few days have been weird and spacey for me. I'm worried of two things. One, my mono's coming back right when it's supposed to be the one year mark since I had it (which would mean, it's gone from my system). Two, I'm suffering some sort of ESP-like pre-emptive depression.

See, last time I got like this ... fatigued almost, bored in an undescribable way, and feeling like everything goes in one and ear and out the other and that I'm in some way a couple steps behind ... within two weeks to a month, I'd been dumped by my boyfriend, I had dumped my once best friend (the two were related in awkward to describe if you don't know the people way), and I came down with the showing symptoms of mono, bad, fast, and had Super Mom get me out within record times (not really exagerrating: I had it for a week).

Now, The Boy is being very strange, and it's hard to tell if it's just a phase or if I should start talking to get my say in before he decides what's going on with us. His graduation is Wednesday, so he's been thinking a lot about the future. He has heart problems, the kind where doctors tell him he won't live past forty, if he'll be lucky enough to get that far. So to him, "the future" is me. Old, alone, heartbroken, too late to start over, too late to have kids (he's gone within a few months from, "I love kids and want them and will have them," to, "they'll just be born sick, what's the point") etc. A sort of extreme, definitely depressed look on things.

So I already hate to seem him like this, and then he just keeps making comments. The kind where I can't tell if he's trying to make a joke out of what he's thinking about (which would be, breaking up with me to "spare me") or if he's trying to buffer me for what he might do. Hurts. A lot.

I don't know, maybe I'm just being overreactive and paranoid. I hope I'm being overreactive and paranoid.

2007-05-27T10:37:00.000-07:00

After four months, company is beginning to wreak like all hell.

So to fill in about Stacey. Stacy? Meh, don't matter. Stacy is my cousin's ex-girlfriend. We aren't very close to him because in my dad's side of the family my grandmother is one hell of a manipulator and she finds my dad to be a bad influence (which, don't get me wrong, before I was born he definitely was, and even now he has his moments of blah) so until the end of last summer, my dad and Jeremy never had the chance to bond much. For ... a week, I want to say, it was Jeremy, Stacy, and my Grandmother. Jeremy was liked, Stacy was liked, my Grandmother ... is one of those psycho uber born agains and she's never been liked by anybody with half a mind.

So we kept in contact, partly because it's family, partly because Stacy really wanted to move to California and came and stayed at our house again a month later as she went and did a couple interviews for work.

Then, two days after moving to another apartment in Philly (ahh, I felt bad for them ... Pennsylvania tends to suck a lot of nut) Jeremy revealed he had a new girlfriend, one of his former students (relax! He's a college music theory teacher. He's like thirty, she's like twenty).

So my dad, ever so generous, allowed Stacy to move in with us. She has now been here four months, like I said. And now she's going on vacation back to PA. And thank whatever God may be.

She's a diagnosed bipolar. She's intensely passive agressive. Her friend's coming to visit, and after all this talk of how she wasn't gonna get involved cos he's getting divorced and blahblahblah, they're having sex. In his guest room. Meaning, in my mom's room. Loudly. Worst of all? She's not paying rent. A hundred dollars a week, and she can't manage that. But, she's taking a three week trip cross country.

Now here's what I said to my mom; "three things ... one, at least [The Boy] tells me to shut up ... two, at least we don't do it in Momma Bear's bed ... three, at least [The Boy] is attractive and not ... that!" I mean, the rest sucks, especially the financial part (which affects all of us, directly or otherwise) but do you have any idea how difficult it is to piss in the middle of the night when you can hear your room mate having sex with some weird guy who you don't even want to say is naked, let alone picture?

Yeah, Mel definitely needs a few freaking weeks of Stacy-free ness.

[Footnote: Stacy is a nice, funny chick, don't get me wrong, it's not like I hate her. But I do know that she expects my family to just take care of her while she does whatever she damn well feels like. And its especially bothersome when we're not keeping contact with our own blood in the process.]

2007-05-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

Last night we got FLAK'D. It's bad manners, folks, to say "Hey, I wanna do it at nine" and then not be around to be rescheduled, let alone when you ACTUALLY wanted to do it. Ugh. So, after a week of things like that, they're getting pushed to behind another band.

Then I went with The Boy and some of his friends (and some of their friends) to play pool. Meaning, I just hung out and laughed at them cos I don't play pool well, haha. I also had a small fuckton of quarters for pinball and racing. Whee.

But being there, was weird. Cos first off, I hate instances in which it's rubbed in, "hey, it's a small town here and now you'll never really be a stranger here for a long time." And I had two of them within a half hour of each other. And they lingered for the whole night. They were also ego bruises cos they didn't come up and say hi to me, or even acknowledge my existence. And it also reminded me of how many friendships I've had not happen (or almost not happen) because of who my best friend used to be.

Basically, I don't hate being my age, but I hate how everybody else my age acts.

And then The Boy ran off with his friends to play Phone Tag/Hide and Seek all over the city. And tried to borrow my phone, rather than seeing if I wanted to go along. When he was supposed to be hanging out with me. Honey, if you're reading, I love you, but you're a dumbass sometimes.

Meh, I'm not mad at him anymore, cos honestly, he was really hopped up on coffee, and if he spent the night I would have ended up punching him in the face, he was that spazzy.

Okay, so I'm trying to get Nessa to start blogging. But she's convinced she'd have nothing to talk about (obviously someone's never looked at my blog ...) so, I think you should go to her blog (rawr :3) and tell her to freaking blog, and what she could blog about, or whatever you think would help her get into it!

2007-05-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the premiere of ROCK TALK RADIO.

For the whole backstage feel, listen in at 1AM EST for the test show, and then at 1:30AM EST for the actual show.

If you're not a night owl, you can always just listen to both when they go to archive on your own time. But you miss the whole interactive experience thing. Please listen.

2007-05-25T00:37:00.001-07:00

Tonight was just strange. Hell, today was just strange. Bored, and tired, and blah.

But, I've developed a small obsession with Lily Allen (Oh, little brother, would you refrain from doing that? I'm trying to help you out, so could you stop being a twat?) since last night and yeah, so I've been listening to her like all day. She rocks, and to throw in my two cents, all this bitching about her shit talk ... her father's a freaking comedian! It's her being funny, not a bitch! Geez. You know, rah rah, if she were a man, etc etc.

I'm overly sensitive and it sucks. And I like mystery so I'll leave it at that.

Pray that tomorrow or Saturday will be the premiere of ROCK TALK RADIO. I know, I know, I said Blog Talk Radio before. But ... I'm dyslexic, and that was an accident. I was probably very tired, too, much like I am now. So I think I'm gonna do some blog checks and call it a night.

2007-05-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

This is an entry worth celebrating. Not really because I have anything to say. Nope. In truth, this is entry number sixty nine. Oh yeah!

So today was boring. Again. Just did some stuff in preparation for the show (still no time, but Episode One WILL be up by Sunday!) and got pissed at Javascript.

Which didn't run cos one box wasn't checked in the Java control panel. Mom's gonna install the newest version tomorrow (cos I want jack shit to do with breaking something on her computer) and then, I'm going to turn into a Pogo games whore. Yum, 10 day free trial. Makes my mouth water.

So The Boy's room mate (and kind of a friend of mine*) is going to sign up for the Army I guess. Wants to be a military mechanic, which is amusing to me because his car's a piece of shit because of his care for it. Well, whatever, he needs the structure and to learn the ability to respect people, and The Boy needs to have his room to himself so it can finally be clean and bug-free. Here's to hoping he doesn't end up blown up in Iraq. See, aren't I ever the optimist?

Oh, and by the way, this is a couple days old, but have you seen the new banner for this blog which I made myself. It's of the band members of Paramore, which is a kick-ass group with a hot chick lead singer who has a kick-ass voice. Plus, she wrote a very verbally catfight-ish song that doesn't scream of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" or anything similar but far far less annoying. Makes me happy.

(Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change once a whore you're nothing more, i'm sorry, that'll never change...)

Okay, good night.

*Kalee, who I've mentioned before I *think*, is his sister, and we've known each other since we were like six. Her and I only got close within the last few years (say, the start of high school) but yeah. And now I'm dating his room mate. I love small town social intricacies.

2007-05-22T23:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm still having fits about how fucked up Windows and Internet Explorer are. Can't use browser versions of messengers, can't play some games, all my friends are on Firefox so things don't look right to me, etc.

Today went back and forth between being "this is the most boring day of my life" and "oh my God, people are stupid."

Example one: That ABC special they keep playing on Yahoo, about the science of human sexuality. The twin boys, the one with the uber male room and the other with painted nails and the asexual maybe girlie room. The boy with the painted nails will most likely be gay because ... he doesn't live up to gender stereotypes. My eyes are rolling right now. How did they get a bunch of scientists to back up stereotypical ideas?!

Example two: "Pro-choice women are wimps". Enough said.

Example three: The American Idol blog strayed once again from American Idol discussion into politics. God, I hate when that happens.

Example four: "Left-wingers are just the brainwashed of America."

Ugh.

So it looks like the premiere show of Blog Talk Radio will be either this Thursday or Friday. I'll come back with a confirmed date once it's made!

2007-05-21T20:39:00.001-07:00

Good news.
Mac took my computer to be shipped to get the keyboard and internal frame damage fixed.

Bad news.
I'm stuck on a Windows desktop.

Good news.
They backed up my files for me in case of any sort of accidents.

Bad news.
I forgot to delete any of my porn before leaving the house.

Good news.
My computer will be like new when it comes back.

Bad news.
I will be suffering extreme computer withdrawal (similar to that of breaking a meth addiction) for the next several days, because my mom likes the internet too, dammit.

I guess I'll use this as my chance to play on all the Windows things I have been previously locked out of.

THINGS THAT URK ME ABOUT THE INTERNET:
- MYSPACE PAGES WHERE YOU CAN'T TURN OFF THE MUSIC. Jesus Christ, you bastards! They give you a freaking music player to put on your site where I can turn it off because I don't want to listen to your shitty music! Use it!
- SITES THAT INSIST YOUR PASSWORD ISN'T SECURE ENOUGH. Fuck you, random website! Registering for websites is annoying enough without some automated password checker insisting that my password is not good enough. "Waah, there are no numbers, no case alterations, no words in foreign languages!" Kiss, my, ass.
- HOW ADDICTIVE SITTING AROUND BEING BORED FOR FOUR OR FIVE HOURS IS. I'm not doing a fucking thing, but I can't bring myself to do something better with my time. Guess it's time to pull up the java sand to further rub in how boring I am! Or I was until...
- THE FACT THAT WINDOWS THINKS I'M TOO FUCKING STUPID TO KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR MY COMPUTER! Java!? You're blocking the JAVA PLUG-IN!? And I can't work around it, because "you can't identify the publisher waaah!" KISS. MY. ASS. I want my Jonas back.

2007-05-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

See Melony.

See Melony wait at Apple Mac.

See Melony realize her appointment isn't for another six hours.

See Melony cry profusely.

Help me...

2007-05-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

I had way too much sex this weekend, it was beautiful.

I also saw Shrek 3. I want a donkey dragon for Christmas.

I currently have the letter a on paste cos my keyboard broke at random. Possible hardware failure. So ... I think I'm done tonight. Sorry folks...

Oh, and add: myspace.com/rocktalkradio

2007-05-19T01:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a blast. It's a shame The Boy couldn't make it, but then again I think he might have felt out of place.

One thing that's kind of interesting though, was that Nessa and myself got to talking about an old group of friends we had, and how they didn't like us. It still confuses me now why they didn't like us. I didn't know her well then, but I remember her as being sort of insecure and I know that I was practically a basket case with my social awkwardnesses and trying to move past them. But regardless, these few guys hated us and talked shit about us. Well, actually, it was me they trash talked, though they didn't like her much either. The trash talk about Nessa's been a recent thing, and I hate people for doing it because it's ill-informed and basically a "yeah, well ... uh ... YOUR MOM!" defense.

Anyway, back to point. I knew of one guy who just talked shit about me. I figured everyone did it, but I had a friend go "oh, no, it was just that douche, no biggie."

Lies. Lies, lies, lies. They all did. One guy even went so far as to say, "I hate Melony." You know why? Because I hung out with a guy who they framed for the dumb shit they did, and for awhile, even had a weird "agh an ex-boy" crush on him. They freaking paid my once best friend to do naked pictures (and she was 15 at the time too ... beautiful, right?) and in a short term sense ruined her life, but got him to take the brute of all of it because it happened at his house. They let the story change, she let the story change.

Gah, this is stupid. I get to thinking about that time so easy, even though it was so painful and awkward for me.

But it got me thinking about how it pisses me off sometimes that Nessa and I didn't make friends sooner. Because I think we both kind of matured out of that awkwardness and such at similar times, and I don't know about her, but I needed better friends than I had at that point.

Oh well, I have good people around me now, so I guess it worked out.

Oh, and pardon the possibly whiny quality to this post ... I'm tired and it's making me want to reflect on stuff.

Anyway, so tonight we snagged our first guests for the podcast Nessa and I are doing (which means I have to change the title from "Melony Louise's Internet Radio Show" ... whoopsies!) and I'm totally looking forward to this starting up. And I'll have pictures up from tonight tomorrow, so you can see our pretty faces ... and then her boyfriend! (I keed, I keed ... or DO I?!) Okay, I need sleep, night night.

2007-05-17T23:08:00.000-07:00

The upside to scheduling my day: I always finish what I have down to do before I said I should have it all done, and it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing a lot.

So I despise UC Davis and need to find a new clinic. I call at like 10:30 to ensure things are confirmed and duh-de-duh. "I'll take a message and have her people call." They call at 2:30 and say, "can you come in at 3:30?" "...No. I have no ride and no co-pay money." "Well, we have no more appointments until June. So, call tomorrow and see about any cancellations, and if you don't want to do that, you can go to an urgent care facility [Med 7]."

First off, who the fuck calls a patient and goes "be here in an hour"? Second off, I left a message on this topic TWO WEEKS AGO, and nobody can fit me in until at least two weeks from now? Third, UC Davis, the best doctors in ... the country, right ... referring me to a Med 7!? When I'm having ANXIETY PROBLEMS!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!? I'm about to have a breakdown in the middle of the street Cameron Diaz in Very Bad Things style. Well, minus the paralyzed husband, dog, and family friend and the two obnoxious children. And the dirty house. And all that. Yeah.

But aside from wanting to go kill the UC Davis folks, it was a good day where I got stuff done.

Hey, if you happen to have a band, you should leave a comment to let me know you want to be on my radio show.

I'll do what I can to have tomorrow's post be a little less screamy ... if I make a post. I'm going to a concert with a friend, and maybe her boy, and maybe The Boy. So it might be early Saturday of doom more than tomorrow. If I'm conscious enough to make one at all.

2007-05-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

Panic attacks are a son-of-a-bitch. I was just thinking to myself the other day, "I think mine are gone. It must have been a week at least since my last one!" But of course, as punishment, one kicked me in my invisible testicles today. So tomorrow, I'm going to call the doctor's office again and make an appointment.

Which leads me into how much I HATE UC Davis. Best doctors in the United States, the worst fucking desk bitches. "Leave a message for Dr. [Radio Edit]. I want information on my recurring bladder infection, or maybe just have it re-looked at or something, and I'm having panic attacks." "Okay, someone who isn't your doctor is going to call you back in five minutes and demand you go to a Med 7 for a urine test, and I think that since you've only been having attacks for a week they aren't that important." Two weeks later, I've learned that bladder infections, the recurring kind, are really not curable by medication ... it's all about using natural things to keep it bearable (cranberry juice, lots of water, and avoiding added sugars) and being hygienic about the things that cause it to flare (in my case, sex). But the panic attacks, I have no idea what the cause is, if there are dietary changes I should make, if maybe I need a shrink type person, just that the feeling of going insane is a NORMAL SIDE EFFECT. What the fuck, right?

You know it's bad when they have to actually put a sign up: "if you've been waiting for twenty five minutes or longer, please let us know [my handwriting in sharpie under it: BECAUSE WE ARE DIPSHITS WHO HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE DOING. KTHNXBYE.]"

Okay, enough bitching. Tomorrow will be the first day since I started last semester that I'll be sticking to a schedule. It's pretty sad that I have to program myself like an obsessive compulsive robot in order to get shit done, but hey, such is life. I just lost the game.

Also, my mom's been giving me shit since Sunday about the whole Don Imus being fired thing. It's kind of funny but annoying. Funny in that ... I don't really give a shit anymore. Annoying in that ... Jesus Christ, I don't give a shit anymore, woman!

EDIT START
I got the host site for my blogtalkradio show today! Now it's just a matter of getting the chick who wanted to be the first guest to talk to me and commit to a day and time. So, keep one's eyes peeled for when I run around nearly naked going WOOHOO!
EDIT END

On a final note, I have the song from the Loituma Girl flash loop. My friend Elizabeth sent it to me, who I add is Canadian and thinks that my American accent is very cute. It's a shame that bit is all just Finnish gibberish cos I was gonna find the lyrics for that bit, learn it, and sing it on the lightrail for a couple hours while spinning a leek sprig. Ah well

2007-05-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

Today is a two-for-one deal in the way of posts, because I have to give an apology.

My definition of a triangle piercing on Pointless Drivel Live was wrong.

An ACTUAL triangle piercing, pictured here, is one curved barbell that goes BEHIND the clitoris, causing a double stimulation. My error comes from a woman who had pictures of her "triangle" on a piercing site back when I was longing for an eyebrow ring. Sorry, sorry, sorry!

2007-05-15T22:56:00.000-07:00

Today could have in fact been a thousand times worse. I could have forgotten my lines, I could have had nothing to hand in for that final project, that sort of thing.

I think tomorrow I may do one of two things: make a list of things to get done before June 11th, when I go back to school for the summer, and maybe even get some of it started. Get a swimsuit, start up the radio show, work on some projects in the way of writing, get information on becoming a (paid!) tutor, find my book; this is just stuff I can name off the top of my head.

Or ... I'll be lazy and enjoy the feelings of having no responsibility for a day. I hope I do the first instead. It'll help me get back into my former good habit of scheduling my day.

I'll make a more decent post tomorrow night ... I just wanted to let people know I survived.

2007-05-14T21:59:00.000-07:00

The Things Melony Louise Is Currently Doing or Has Been Doing Today Instead of Her Final Project Which Is Due in Less Than 24 Hours:

- Playing Pokemon Pearl: I got stuck in a spot while playing on the bus to school and it bothered me until I pulled the guide up ... and then played some more.

- Playing Milpa: It's a puzzle game involving fruit, what is there not to love?

- Swimming: It was fucking hot out and I got forced to pick up bush clippings.

- Being Angsty: It is common for my dad and I to have some sort of fight, for me to know damn well why we had it, but never have the courage to just spit it out. Instead, I bitch and moan to myself and make whatever I'm doing harder.

- Learning Just How My Family Has Fucked Me Up: In connection to that last thought, I've realized that my parents instilled one flaw: anger issues. Basically, it goes as such ... Mel gets a negative emotion, Mel reacts to it with anger, parent reacts to anger with anger, Mel reacts with ... inverted anger, since outward anger and coming back to fix the problem tend to not solve the issue of said parent's reactive anger. I thought until last night this was for the most part normal. Then I tried to pull that on The Boy and he just calmly and nicely said "Mel ... shut the fuck up." Well, much nicer than that, but you get the point. I instantly calmed down, and it worked so much better. So ... yeah ... next thought:

- Feeling Bad For The Boy: Who injured himself at work today when he fell off something (it involved sand palettes and pipes, but it sounded like three hundred people were at his house so he was hard to hear) and landed with all his weight on his shin onto a blade. What use was the blade, and why was it there? No one knows! (And what's even cooler, is when you put in wheat bread, you get pumpernickel, and when you put in pumpernickel, you get a blueberry muffin!)

- Randomly Referencing To Foamy: Just now.

- Writing in my Blog: But everyone knows a blog comes before a sturdy college education anyway.

- Joining Fafarazzi.com: ...I don't even pay attention to paparazzi, what the fuck is my excuse for this one!? Oh yeah, the Scarlett Johanssen ads all over the site. Mrow.

Okay, so tomorrow, I have two finals in the morning. Then, I go home, which will actually be me going to the coffee shop thinking, "I need to go somewhere where my writing energy tends to be focused, and where I can hide my DS from myself." Then, The Boy is supposed to appear for an hour before I go to my last final (of the day and of the semester) at 8:00. Tomorrow is gonna suck. Ugh.

2007-05-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

So just a few hours ago, I did my co-host stint at Pointless Drivel Live! For those who weren't cool enough to hear it live, you can check out the archive here.

It started off a little rocky ... I had my nerves about it, and then my phone kind of went boom as I was trying to connect. But once it worked out, it was a good time indeed! And as I said, I'd love to do it again. As a matter of fact, I am seriously considering Mr. Fab's advice of using that site to run my own podcast idea thing.

Aside from that, it was Mother's Day, so I mostly cleaned and then after the show went off to the Boy's, where we watched ... Special Edition Lord of the Rings The Two Towers. Him and I are just sitting there for half the movie going, "OH MY GOD, ISN'T THIS DONE YET!?"

I got home a little before midnight.

So tomorrow is the day before finals. All about cram, cram, cramming. Only I can't cram. I have to write and memorize and memorize and write. All day. Urgh. Pain. So I'm gonna get some rest so that I can get to my 10:30 practice meet thing alive. Maybe.

2007-05-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

It's pretty bad when you're playing in a modern day roleplay and you realize you're just playing yourself. No, seriously, my character name was "Mel" last night. The only unrealistic part was that I was a body guard. Sigh.

I got Pokemon Pearl this morning. I'm hooked, but I'm a little miffed cos I picked the flaming monkey, which basically means, I accidentally picked the hard difficulty level. Bastards!

So, final nag before I actually do this, I'm gonna be on Pointless Drivel Live! Tomorrow, meaning Sunday, at 7pm Eastern Standard Time! Mr. Fab and I are gonna brush each other's hair, eat popcorn in pajamas, and discuss make-up and boys! It's gonna be lyk totalli awsum omg!

In other news, The Boy got a PS2 of his own this morning, and I fear I will never see him naked again:
"Come on babe, we don't even have to do foreplay, I've already done it for you! Just come to bed, please!"
"Not right now honey, I'm about to kill the hookers I just banged!"
"*grumble*"

Ahh, public forms of teasing, it's a beautiful thing. Then again, I did just get Pearl like I said, so maybe I have no room to talk...

Okay, sleep time. Tomorrow's Mother's Day, and I get to spend it cleaning before I do PDL.

2007-05-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

Today, I took a magical trip to Davis, California. It's weird how different Davis and Rancho are, considering there's only a half hour drive between them, much like between here and ARC. But then again, Davis is a university town, so there's that.

Read up on some education abroad programs, and I think despite my initial interest in Germany, I may really want to go to Padova in Italy. It's the number one school in Italy, and it has Dramatics Arts and Music Studies as one of it's several specialties. Only downside would be that it's a full immersion program, meaning I'd have to take a shitload of Italian before I could go. Also, though I want to only go for a 4 month stint, I know it's gonna be pretty pricy since it's such a well-renowned school. So the idea of going in a year and three months is ... not possible. But, it is a goal to work towards, and besides, it gives me time to actually pick a major before I go.

Then again, there's also stuff in Germany, Japan, and Australia, and that's just what I found today, so yeah. Ah well, no need to rush.

Okie, well, I've gotta get my happy ass to The Boy's, so bye!

[A wild SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE appeared! Go to pointless-drivel.com on Sunday at 7pst and listen to me do my co-host stint on POINTLESS DRIVEL LIVE!

A wild SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE fled!]

2007-05-10T16:39:00.000-07:00

To start, it is so damn hot I'm wearing a bra and jeans. The idea of a shirt is that ridiculous.

Second off, Spiderman 3 rocks, except for the last twenty minutes and the corny aspects. I don't want to give anything away, so I'll leave it at that, but if you want to start a conversation on it with me ... we'll see what we can do.

Okay, now onto today. Today was my last day of school (minus my finals on Tuesday) and it was the coolest last day for one reason. (Note: the following quote is not of my actual beliefs and will be explained after it, so don't start to read it and go OHMAHGAWD WHAT AN ASS and run off.)

"REPENT:
Hypocritical Christians, Hebrews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and all other false religions.
Sodomites, pornographers. pedophiles, fornicators, cross-dressers, lesbians, adulterers, transvestites, and all other weirdo sex perverts.
Scoffers, the prideful, athiests, agnostics, idolators, and all other clueless fools.
Murderers/babykillers, liars, thieves, corrupt politicians, and covetous moneygrubbers.
Boozers, dopers, revelers, mouthy women, girlie-men, & all sin loving heathen.
OR PERISH!"

Now, at first, I watched this crazy fundamentalist's first sign go up, and heard vague talk of campus police, and I realized that I did not agree with anything this man was saying or going to say, but that I wanted to defend as hard as I could his right to say it, even though I know he wouldn't do the same for me. It was odd for me because, even though I say I'd do such a thing often, I never feel like I truly would.

Then, as he had conversations with my friends (who he set up near, saying "I'm at the right spot with you folks around". Yeah, he's a dick.) and people began to come up and read his signs, three kids came up with signs. "Fight Ignorance," "This is stupid," "Crack is whack." Then the man began to preach. Then came "Free compliments". Then came the crowd. Then the photography major. Then the Ghandi quotes and the Embrace Diversity signs. By now there must be eight people with signs at least. Then the guy who walks on through singing "Highway to Hell". "Homophobes are just upset because they can't get laid." "If he's here, who's running hell?" All to the sound of him preaching contradictions, people arguing with him for something to do, a cumbaya version of "Why Can't We Be Friends?" By the time I appeared with "Free Hugs From a Mouthy Woman," (he kept asking for a free hug sign) he only planned to stay five more minutes (he was already there about an hour at least at this point) and there was even more people with signs. The whole vibe was so cool, I'm not sure I can even explain to someone who wasn't there. I mean, to see the quad full (when usually no more than twelve people are chilling in it at one time) was wild.

Most of all, it made me think in some sort of deep way, which was nice because I starting to feel like my brain was drying up.

(I wish I knew how my phone worked in the way of picture upload so I could share the [albeit shitty] visuals)

2007-05-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning at 7:30 am (after at most five or six hours of sleep) pissing glass. Chugged water, pills, and cranberry juice until it stopped being feelable. Went to sleep at 11. Woke up at FIVE FOURTY FIVE.

Found information on that seminar thing before I left for it. Wouldn't qualify, credit and financial-wise, but I'm gonna go to UC Davis with my sister on Friday and check out some of their other study abroad programs, maybe go in Fall '08, maybe go to Germany like in my original plan for that sort of thing. So I stayed home.

Gonna go to SpiderMan 3 in a bit; well, an hour at the earliest. Wanted to take The Boy along, but he insisted on not being home when I called. Bastard. Well, maybe he'll call within the next hour or so and still have a chance. In the meantime, I'm finally starting on my damn Creative Writing final project of DOOM. And somehow, I'm tired again.

I'm really looking forward to the month I'm gonna have between the end of this semester and the start of summer semester. I really need to feel as responsibility-free as possible for awhile.

2007-05-08T22:25:00.000-07:00

So Thursday, I get to go to my school at SEVEN AM for a final that will take fifteen minutes. You have no clue how unhappy I am about this. It's a fucking physical education final, too! All this work for one, maybe two if the typo is suddenly factual, units! Agggh!

But tomorrow, I'm gonna go to a seminar about their Spring '08 study abroad program. They're sending people to Paris for art, I do believe. I'll know more after tomorrow, cos I just saw STUDY IN PARIS on the flyer, didn't need much more to hook me, haha.

See, I really do want to study abroad and have that traveling experience, because I feel my life is very broke of travel. I mean sure, I've been to a couple hundred places in California, and then I do take the occasional trip to Nevada, and there was that trip to Chicago a couple years back, but that's IT. And my sister's going to Spain in the fall. SPAIN. So I just feel inspired to check out my own chances to do that sort of thing.

But simultaneously, I am in a relationship. And I do fret at the idea of "what if I by choice kill a really good relationship just to go to another country?" Plus, even if the relationship is strong enough ... I'm sorry, but shit happens when you're far from home and weird stuff happens with people in general, so one never knows how life could end up.

[Plus, I hate to be superstitious ... but in palmistry I have a travel line with two lines through it! That means my travels will result in bad things!]

So, thanks to my Creative Writing final, I get to spend the next week writing and rewriting. Rewrite my one story, write another story, rewrite that one, rewrite my poetry reading paper, write my letter about why I chose those stories or stories at all over poetry, rewrite the letter. I also have lines to memorize.

[Btw, I'M ON POINTLESS DRIVEL LIVE ON SUNDAY]

Which reminds me, the audition didn't happen because "they" took back the rights. Cos there might be a touring production in the works. Bastards!!

2007-05-07T22:30:00.000-07:00

How does yours truly deal with the sudden arrival of anxiety attacks? Oh, it's quite easy. I put off all my schoolwork to the last minute, even the stuff that's late, and then I panic about how none of it is done and try to get it done even though I'm so tired and freaked out my mind is a dry well. Yes, it's as fun as it sounds.

That audition I was going to do got canceled. Didn't know until I got there either, which was real annoying. Hey, let's drive a half hour in the real hot weather, get there, find it's been canceled, and drive home! Doesn't that sound exciting!?

Me + Mr. Fab = Pointless Drivel Live on May 13th at Seven Pacific Standard Time! You should listen! Live, even! And interact! Because you're awesome like that! The exclamation points draw you in and you know it!

Okay, back to my overly put off homework. Fuck.

2007-05-06T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'm learning that it's hard to keep up with updating this blog without just doing vague one-liner entries. Not to say that my life is boring or anything ... just that it's solely entertaining to me.

Today, I was made to watch Star Wars: The Phantom Menace by The Boy. Followed by ... a pop quiz about Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Yeah, he's a loser, but it makes him lovable.

Always weirds me out a little when I find out that people I have classes with at ARC live in Rancho Cordova. Mostly cos the general reaction of people who find out I live in Rancho is:

"Oh ... Rancho ... Interesting ... [People there go to college? Huh.]"

Rancho. Is Not. A Ghetto. There is like a block of ghetto, and even then, it's not like I'm afraid to step foot in it ever. I mean, I prefer not to, but it's not like there's some "I'll die if I do" mentality to it. It's more like a "my father has convinced me that I'll be sold into prostitution if I do" mentality.

Finally, May 13th. 7est. Pointless Drivel Live and MLIBP combine for one hour of radness! Listen, for the sake of your Grandchildren!

Oddly, I nearly forgot about one of the biggest things for me as of late (probably because I'm not really talking about it that much in real life): I need information on anxiety attacks and/or disorders revolving around them. Within the last week I've had seven at complete random, three being in one day. The attacks are very weird, almost like dejavue meets a hard punch to the chest. My best guess is that they're panic attacks, but if they sound like something else, please do provide me with information.

2007-05-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

Skywire

Take control of the cable car and get the passengers to safety.

Play this free game now!!

So look, any game by Nitrome.com is just plain awesome, and I just discovered this one today. How can you not love that 8-bit-ish soundtrack?

2007-05-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

REASONS WHICH I AM NOT A VEGETARIAN OR A VEGAN:

1. I DO NOT WISH TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DE-EVOLUTION OF MAN.
Look, do you know how, according to the evolution theory, we got from the gorilla to what we are today? Full Protein. What do you get full protein from? Eating meat. How many vegetarians and vegans out there eat protein supplements? Not many, because most people don't do the research beyond, "Wahh, killing animals and eating them is mean!" Even those who do, is it the same? Not really, because meat and fish both have lots of their own exclusive nutrients, and plus, it's man made and man made foods never compare with what nature gives us.

2. I WISH TO HELP THE ANIMALS NOT DIE OUT.
What the fuck, you ask? Okay, look. The entire world goes vegan. No more demand for cows, chickens, pigs, turkeys, and the occasional duck. Now, there is no more need to house these guys, because cows are retarded lumps who do nothing but chew grass, chickens are cute but also stupid, pigs can be kept as household animals but get HUGE, and turkeys ... I hate turkeys, those mean bastards. So, where do they go? TO FREEDOM! Yay! Except ... hey, wait a minute ... FREE SPACE NO LONGER EXISTS FOR THESE ANIMALS! Why? WE BUILT OVER IT!

You'll visit them in zoos, you say? First off, oh yeah, zoos are SO much nicer than farms! Second off, how many of you have bothered as is to go to a farm and visit or volunteer? I bet I'm at most one in eight, though I'd think one in twenty is a little more right on. And who visited that farm more than once? Not many; the animals can be mean, smelly, and not nearly as attractive as children's books make them out to be.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think most of the farms are mean to the animals. The cruelty isn't acceptable, but neither is the idea that these animals aren't tasty or nutritious.

3. PLANTS HAVE NERVOUS SYSTEMS, TOO.
Plants have been proven in slow motion film to move away from scissors cutting them. Some vines you can hold your finger to and they'll instantly wrap around. Plants respond to music, water, sunlight, animals, people. So, plants can move, respond to their surroundings, and I'll go out on a limb here (no pun intended) and guess they can think, too.

So if you'll go vegan for the reasons of being nice to animals, maybe you should just cease to eat entirely. I mean, the garlic you eat is the veal of the vegetable world, because most garlic is harvested in it's early stages. Grapes are left out in the sun dehydrated for weeks to turn into raisins, I'm not sure they like that much. For heaven's sake, we drown cucumbers for the sake of our sandwiches!

I declare a hunger strike for the end of produce cruelty, whose with me!!

[So those who know me well are aware of the fact that I don't eat red meat and may think I'm being hypocritical. But see, I have health reasons for that. There was a mad cow scare a few years back so my family just dropped it from the diet. Then, over time we found that we actually felt healthier. Plus, red meat does have negative effects on one's heart, since it is the first thing a doctor will say to drop when one's at risk of a heart attack. Plus, lamb is a red meat, and I must admit ... lamb and veal are the two things I can't touch out of guilt. It'd be like making me eat an otter.]

2007-05-02T00:57:00.000-07:00

So I'm thinking of being uber ballsy and auditioning for my school's production of Peter Pan on Monday. I think it'd be way cool to do, and plus my current acting teacher is going to direct it so that may be points in my favor. Woohoo indeed.

A welt just randomly appeared on my breast. The hell...

Oh, and I am so freaking tired. I have been up for sixteen hours, running on six hours of sleep and an accidental nap I took in English. I should probably go to sleep, but ... yeah, okay.

2007-04-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

I hate that it always seems like going and having a good time with friends Downtown always comes at the price of me going and having a good time with The Boy. I also hate that he gets that pouty voice, and that when I try to tell my friends that I feel bad and should probably just go hang out with him instead they go "oh my God, chicks before dicks okay!" Only, y'know, none of my friends talk like that, but you get the point.

I also hate that I thought I'd be home an hour earlier than I was tonight, and now I'm gonna be up way late doing homework because I'm a fucking lazy procrastinator.

2007-04-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

I saw Taming of the Shrew last night.

I have to confess, I didn't like it. Not because the actors did a bad job or because the jokes weren't funny, but the story is so obviously something written by a man in the fifteen hundreds. A strong, smart, admirable woman brought down to "normal" by a few days of marriage, sex, and starvation. But it's a happy ending! Grr.

But then afterwards I got to see The Boy. Told him about how on May 13th at 7pm Pacific time I'm going to be on Pointless Drivel Live! Don't you just love that shameless plug, folks? Anyway. That resulted in me having to explain that I have a blog. He wants to read it. Mostly because he realized I sometimes talk about him. ~~Guess that means I have to go delete all the vivid sex entries~~ Err, I mean, I have no problems with this.

I don't want to get up and do all the homework I've been putting off. Urgh.

2007-04-29T17:25:00.000-07:00

Last night through to today was weird. Basically, I got used to piss the boy off by some of his friends (even when I tried to have it not happen) and he had a bad time with it (mostly cos he went out to find us and had some heart problems and an encounter with some weirdo night folks). And through out into this morning he teased me about and bugged me about it and he said and did so much (combined with my own still intact guilt) that my poker face cracked. Now, I may be a sobbing hormonal bitch at the drop of a hat at home, but to be away from home (even just to my second home, which would be the boy's) and go from fine and all laughs to actually crying upset is for the most part unusual for me (and definitely scared the crap out of him).

Augh, I can't figure out how to say what I want to say. It sucked, but there's an aspect to it that was relieving. I don't know what aspect though. Bah.

[Note: Post photoshopped. I rephrased some things so it was more understandable or at least attemptedly so.]

2007-04-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

Life is boring. Well, in the sense that I don't really have anything to blog about right now other than I'm addicted to 43things, I'm addicted to twitter, and I may already have my classes picked out for fall semester.

Swimming; Magic, Witchcraft, and Religion; Elementary German; Fiction Writing Workshop; and Debate and Argumentation. Sounds cool, right? :D

As for my plans for summer semester of taking Introduction to Art, there are two completely different summer schedules for it, so I have to probably go to E-Services tomorrow and find out what's going on.

Okay, back to homework and telling you people to stalk me at 43things!

Mosh Ocean

2007-04-24T22:46:00.001-07:00

[An English teacher and a picky reader said this didn’t suck … so maybe it doesn’t! But feel free to help me rewrite if it needs it…]

floating in the mosh ocean
little to the left and
little to the right in
the fight to go forward
the fight to be closest
to keep above water here
is like the English Channel

drowning in the mosh ocean
spine to the concrete bed
all the light is gone here
ocean’s ready to pull her up
but she’s ready to just keep dying
before her very eyes
she’s pulled from the bottom

swimming through the mosh ocean
fighting the water for escape
barely succeeding to get through
pulling back and
spitting forward
release is a first breath
for salt water filled lungs

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