Yesterday was too much of people being mad at me, mostly family. I don't feel like divulging into that teen angst with details, but basically it was this:

"You're wrong." "You're right, I'm wrong. This is why." "Well, now you're wrong for these reasons too." "Okay, those are things I'm also trying to fix and I feel like you're kicking my attempts in the face." "You're an asshole for not just bending over, shutting up, and taking it like a bitch." "Wtf."

But I got to hang out with Nessa and The Boy. But there was fighting there too. Grr.

Hope that tonight will be better for me!

My day in haiku cos I'm tired:

Saw my aunt Nadine
she's a bitch but her grandkid
is way fucking cute.

And my cousin is
nice enough (not Lisa, the
other one) but dim.

Quite needless to say,
it was the longest three and
half hours ever.

But it balanced out
Cos I went with Lisa and
The Boy to a show.

Heigl is "Knocked Up"
And this movie is so so
so freaking funny.

Plus, Katherine Heigl
has sex scenes and I am a
Big fan of her rack.

FIN.

So Lisa is currently in the living room with Naomi watching the television. I kind of don't have any clue what to talk to her about, so once we end up alone in a room together, it's just awkward silence. I wish I was more comfortable with people.
And today when I got home all this shit happened with Kalee. I'm not sure I should even get into the details because it's teen drama and I'd just go on forever, but I will say that for about a half hour I was so fucking livid that I could see myself in my mind's eye going over there and beating the shit out of her. Was it really that bad? Probably not, and in fact, I'm not sure I wouldn't do the same thing in her place. But the way she managed it was utter bullshit. "Okay, so like, I talk big like I'm gonna kick some ass, but in truth I'm a scared little girl and I need my Daddy to save me."
But I love Lisa, because she kept insisting, "I have the solution, Mel! I'll go kick her ass for you! Come on! She doesn't know me so it'll be perfect!" Only now I have to hope that for the next 48 hours nobody jumps her cos otherwise it'll be my fault. Then again, she has lots of enemies, so who knows.
So tomorrow we're gonna be doing stuff cos Lisa's in town, so that update should be way better.

So today it was me, The Boy, Nessa, The Ginger, and Robert, who I'm pretty sure I haven't talked about here. By the time we got to actually playing Dungeons and Dragons, we decided not to introduce me cos I'd just be leaving anyway. Ah well, I just hope Nessa likes it (she's still off losing her D&D virginity) because I think as a group we have a pretty good chemistry going, if you know what I mean.

Actually, that's all I really did today. It's more boring written than it is in action.

But my cousin Lisa's going to be coming up tomorrow. So I get to wake up at five am (that's in six and a half hours) and drive down to Freedom, California (I think that's the Santa Cruz area) and pick her up, and then drive back up. Oh well, at least I'll get to see Lisa! Her and I aren't very close, mostly cos I think we're both shy, but I'd like to be at least closer. So I think how things are gonna go is that we're just gonna go everywhere in Rancho ... which means that two days is just long enough to fit everything, maybe even in fact leave some dead air space.

Okay, well I need sleep and my stomach's acting super funny, so gnite folks!

So I guess the term "Internet Blog Project" might be a little bit more applicable to what I'm doing now.

To explain, I have expanded myself over several sites, and will probably end up on more by the time I'm back in school (June 11th). So this is my site for talking about my life; my Tumblr is for quotes, conversations, and websites; my Vox is for QotDs, Vox Hunts, and discussions of books, movies, shows, and CDs; my finetune is my attempt to both expand my musical taste and share it with others; and my twitter is for all those little updates in between.

Then, I'm hoping to get back to 43things which would be for my eternal quest to improve on myself (or just try a couple kinky sex acts). In other words ... NOW is the time to throw your latest internet trend at me to see if I'm interested! I also feel a little behind because I just jumped on the Technorati boat.

To quote my Tumblr (like Katili did), "[Melony Louise: more determined to be a world-famous internet whore than j00.] "

Okay, so back to life.

I went to the doctor today for my panic attacks (finally). I had a small scare because he asked at random, "does your family have a history of heart disease?" I was like, "oh my God, I'm the start of a history of heart disease in my family, aren't I!?" But then he went back to normal discussion of panic attacks. I'm supposed to get a phone call from The Mind Institution in Downtown Sacramento, and if I don't by Monday, I'm to call them.

And I realized at the doctor that I am far too optimistic. To the point that yes, I realized that there have been problems, but it never clicked how much is happening to me at once. Coming up in less than six months is my 18th birthday. Here in a couple weeks I go to summer school. My dad's coping with alcoholism. My mom fights with him a lot for it. The Boy has heart problems, and depression related to it. And I'm sure that if you didn't see my rant about Stacy, you will soon.

It's uncharacteristic of me, almost. I can think back to previous points in my life where, when things got just a little rough, I was ready to freak and bitch and moan. But you know what it is? I've always had a good, tight knit, happy family, even with the problems. But now I have friends [and a boy] that make me feel the same way. Where it used to bother me that I didn't have many people in my life, it doesn't any more, because the relationships are of quality so I don't need the quantity.

This is all nice, until you realize that it's allowing me to not deal with problems and let them manifest into ... attacks. It's very strange, how not even being happy makes me truly happy.

My stomach's been taking some pleasure in turning upside down and backwards at inopportune moments today. House roommate Stacey made the connection that it was a lack of protein in my system, so I've had some yogurt and cheese [not at once, ew] and similar things to fight off the medicine - induced crap feelings.

Which reminds me, my house has an interesting dynamic right now. It's a total of five of us: my mom, my dad, my sister, Stacey, and of course myself. My sister's thirty, but living here because when she and her ex-husband divorced she didn't have anything, so my dad kind of invited her without my mom's full consent. Not that my mom would have said no, but it was just a bit of a wtf for awhile there. And then Stacey is my cousin's ex girlfriend. My cousin did her dirty, and so my dad took her in, despite my mom kind of being like "we barely know this woman" (which was and basically is still true: she lived in Pennsylvania and we'd seen her a total of twice before she moved in). Now, Stacey's saying that my dad's gonna kick my mom out within a couple weeks. Why not just right now? Mom made the connection: she does his taxes!

I'm starting to get confused, because my parents have never been this nasty before. Sure, they've had knock out drag out fights, and shit's gone down, but suddenly things feel like they went from "yep, just like always" to "we're probably gonna murder each other by the end of the year". I don't know, it's hard to explain.

Anyway, I'm tired and I have a big-ish day tomorrow, and I also got deterred from the original point, so I'm gonna try to get some sleep and think about less major things.

Today, with no one home but me and him, my dad announced, "I can't take being treated like this anymore."

Hours and a fight of a lifetime later, with no one in the car but me and her, my mom announced, "I can't take being treated like this anymore."

The fights, the commands to move, the threats to call the police, they've been in a way what made the relationship of my parents. We love each other, but we hate each other three times more, and it makes the love even better. The statements of how over this is, fuck, I've been hearing them for years now. But something says that this time, it's real. This time, I pray to God it's real, even though it's a miracle I'm not sobbing at it all right now. For the sake of the sanity of everyone in my family, this era needs to end.

To people who don't know me very well, this just sounds like nonsense and I apologize, I just have no one close to talk to at the moment and I had to get my gut reactions out.