I'm in the midst of adjusting to having a life again. It's hard. I go to school five days a week. I'm on transit to get everywhere (school, Nessa's, places with Nessa, etc) it feels like eight days a week. And all this last week or so has been drama out the ass on top of it.

I almost broke up with the Boy and ignored him all week because of it, Nessa and her boy were broken up for like a day (we've become so close that's it's like your drama is my drama and mine is yours), I've been arguing with family and so has she, I've been trying to get photoshop for school only to have Adobe just completely ignore my student discount site request not even a denial ... blah!

I'm starting to understand that feeling of everything is a damn job. A bath I wanted to take to relax my legs (which are definitely starting to feel the physical stress of walking and catching buses to get everywhere) took fucking forty minutes and did nothing because I had to clean someone else's filth out of the tub and then I couldn't get the water to stop being cold, and the damn thing wasn't even relaxing. And then I had to clean for like three hours.

I'm only two weeks in and I already need a day to just not move and not do anything and I can't get it, and I know that when I do get that chance I'll use it to instead go do something insane with Nessa or maybe even The Boy and just injure myself worse.

In better news though, I was actually inspired by schoolwork to write something a bit crazy. Maybe I'll post it tomorrow.

Decided on a whim that I absolutely HAD TO change the layout. I don't know why, seeing as how before it was Paramore and I haven't been able to turn their new CD off in hella days, pardon the Rancho Cordovan in me showing there. But um, even with the odd JPEG-ness (my choices were slighty off somehow but I can't quite place it JPEG or AHH THE PIXELS ARE EATING HER FACE GIF) I like it, even if the pink is a bit more happy than I tend to be. Ah well, I'm sure I'll cope.

Now, who here has been watching this season of Real World? Well I have, and I'm starting to think that Parisa (pretty Persian girl pictured) and I are the same person. In fact, I decided it after tonight's picture in which she told Dunbar (I'll quote another room mate, "he's pretending to be a nice guy when he isn't") "you know ... I'm just going to write you a letter." Because, as I may have mentioned in here before, I've done that to The Boy a few times. It's a disorder I have in which my brain is broken when I try to find a way to start a potentially uncomfortable conversation until I get home and there's a notebook and bamf I start writing. I think he's determined to break me of it and I think it's gonna suck to be him when I have the ability to start a fight with him about anything, haha.

But back to Parisa. I love her. You know, I thought I had more to add than that, but I'm starting to get tired and I have to be up semi-early tomorrow and meh. So be sure to tell me if anything with the layout's wrong, and I'm gonna update some of the sidebar things so they match better, and yeah. Nighty!

Boys are stupid. It confuses me.

Okay, here's the situation. Friday, as I think I may have mentioned here, I saw The Boy and he had all these plans for how the day would go, including coming to pick me up some point that night, and he never showed up and it seems that nobody in the way of friends heard from him.

Saturday, I knew I wouldn't see him because he had work and it was his brother in law's birthday. Sunday, he had to go to a work thing way far away for a store opening or some crap, and he then had intentions of getting a group of people together to clean his apartment from the party his former room mate had before leaving.

Last night, I come home from Nessa's at eight thirty, stop by his apartment ... he's not home. I can't get a ride (ghettos prevent my parents or my own sanity to allow me to walk that single block in the dark) until ten thirty, and I go over then and nobody answers, I'd assume at this point because he's sleeping and not because he's still at work.

So, here's my question ... remember how I noted he lives a block away from me? Why, world, does he not just (even with his life being so busy) walk that one measly block to give me some sort of update as to what the ever loving hell's going on?

So I end where I started ... boys are stupid.

I've decided today that seventeen is the suckiest age to be ever.

No, I'm not waiting excitedly to get the fuck out of my damn house. In fact, I quite like my parents. What I dislike, is that I'm three months (!) away from being 18, and I still keep getting treated like some fully dependent retard. Like, I made a doctor's appointment for Wednesday for my fucked up throat, that I'm gonna have to change on Monday because my parents just so happen to be out of town that day. My parents don't do ANYTHING, how the fuck was I supposed to know that, right?

Man, it just reminded me of how annoying the last six months or so has been, trying to freaking prove that when I turn 18 I'll be able to take care of myself and everybody just being like "but you're supposed to act like some retarded pre-teen until you turn 18 and then we expect you to do everything and think for yourself and all that crap."

Okay, The Boy need to show up. I'm supposed to hang out at his place tonight with some of his friends and I'm a total pain in the ass so like if he doesn't show up in twenty minutes I'm just gonna go over there and then slap him with a tuna when he's like, "Oh, yeah ... I was supposed to stop by your house ..." Though it could be my fault he's taking so long anyway ... seeing as how I was just so comfy it made him wanna sleep in until like one and he had stuffs to do anyway. Heh, whoops.

So I definitely have to do some bragging right now.

I entered a contest on Pointless Drivel about a week or so ago. Concept was simple enough: here's the start of a short story, now finish it. My entry won me second place. Soon enough, my utter crap absolutely freaking fabulous prize will be at my mailbox and I'll be back to brag all about it.

In the meantime though, here is the story I created with a split between where his ends and mine begins.

It was a dark and stormy night. John and Marsha stared glumly at the fuel gauge in their Ford Taurus, which read empty.

“I guess we get out and walk from here,” sighed John, “Maybe we can find someone still up at this hour.”

Wordlessly they bundled up as best they could, got out of the car, and began to walk down the road. The rain had let up some, but they were still going to get soaked. After about thirty minutes of walking down the dark road, they rounded a bend and came upon what looked to be a farmhouse. Every light was on in the house, and as they got closer they could hear music coming from inside.

“Well, we may be in luck, ” exclaimed John.

The couple walked up onto the porch and after a moment’s hesitation, John knocked on the door. They waited, but no one came to and answered. John knocked harder. The music stopped. Silence. Then after another minute, they heard the lock turning and the door swung wide open.

“Well hello!” said the woman that opened the door. Or, was it a man? Women for the sake of the feminine facial features and not particularly tall stature. Man for the amount of body hair even on its face. Women for the breasts. Man for the possibility that they’re man breasts. Women for the hot pants and tight tee, and camel toe with it. Man for the abnormal proportions of the said camel toe.

“My name is Loren Jones, and I take it you would be the actors Mr. Fantabulous sent! But there’s only two of you, where are the others?”

John and Marsha looked at each other, quite disturbed by this “Loren” creature.

“Well no,” began John, “but our car did run out of gas and we could use some help finding a station, seeing as how we are in no way from around here…”

“No can do I’m afraid,” Loren replied oddly cheerful, “I’d usually be the first to help a set of strangers but I’m in the middle of filming some gang bang bukkake. Unless you can fill in for some of my missing folks for the next scene, I’m afraid I can’t help…”

“And that,” said John several months later to his wife Shirley, “is why I’m in that porno with your sister.”

It's a masterpiece, no?

---

In other news, the boy needs to stop having responsibility in his life and thus stop disappearing. As far as I know his ass is still at work, even though he's technically supposed to be out about six or six thirty. And it's ten thirty now. Or, and this is so all paranoia talking, he's hiding from me.

Then again, I said he was hiding from me the last time I couldn't find him, the time before that, and probably the time before that too. And he wasn't, he just had other shit to do.

Either it's paranoia, or I have a false ego trying to convince me that I'm in fact scary. Maybe both.

Talk about fate.

Tonight I was supposed to see Labyrinth at a nearby theatre. 20th anniversary stuff. Well, it turned out the newspaper I got the information wrong had a misprint on the end date, and it ended last night. Since we were already downtown eating when we found out, my dad, his friend Tina and I just kept eating. It was a good time still.

I get home, and Nessa invites me to stay the night. Well, I have allergies to her cat (eyeballs go 'splodey sorta thing) and my stomach was just being a bitch, so I said no but that tomorrow I'd go see Simpsons Movie with her.

I play on the computer for a little bit, my tummy settles, and I hear the doorbell. I wait for someone to get it, seeing as how I was topless, but then realized no one was coming. So I throw the shirt on half assed (don't button it) and come to the door, and there's Mason.

"Wanna go get some food?"

"Actually, I just ate..."

"Oh."

"Wanna come in?"

So he came in for a little bit, we talked randomly, he explained how his room mate left ("Hey, I had a big ass party!" "Cool, clean it up!" "Nah, instead I think I'll just move out, take the most random ass shit, and try to make people believe you've been doing violent shit.") and how he had to replace the stuff he took. So my dad gave us a ride to the store (I went along because I hadn't seen him in so long I couldn't stand to be away from him so fast again, and plus he had obviously wanted to hang out with me anyway).

We walked around looking at and buying random shit, talking about random things, and trying to not be affectionate at all for about an hour, before my dad came and took us to his house.

So I started to give specific details to the event (blame the writer in me) but it was pretty personal and I'll just stick with his quote for the night: "fuck all this, you're mine". Honestly, the whole thing was kind of more sweet than I'm used to, as I sort of skimmed the top of when I talked about him and I getting together a few posts ago. But it was nice.

Even though it made me really feel bad for being so mad at him. Until I went, "meh, it was justified in your head at the time" and dropped it. But I guess when my happy dies down a little and his life gets a little less hectic, I should probably sit down and work out what was actual concerns for us and what was just me wanting to chuck things at his head for making me feel like crap, and talk about it. In the meantime however, I just missed him so bad and everything just in general feels better now that it's not all so insanely up in the air what the fuck is going on, since my view had changed to "once he can get his ass to see me, I'll worry about it."

I'm ready to sleep now though. Even though it may be hard on me cos I napped today. Blah.

Ugh.

Break ends Wednesday. Boy never shows.

I give him until Thursday at about eight, then I go over to his place.

...Nobody's home?

I come back after an hour.

...Nobody's home!

Should I be mad? Worried? Apathetic? Seriously, I have no clue how to react to this, except to cancel my potential plans for tomorrow and go over there again. I don't know what to think, nobody around me knows what to think ... as much as I don't like saying this, it's basically all-consuming in my thought process.

Ugh!

I was on Mr. Fab's radio show as a caller today to badger my friend Katili. It was only like fifteen minutes and my phone refused to live through much of it, but somehow hockey came up, and I wanted to tell this story but the moment I began to, Mr Fab announced that it was time to close up and then I announced that Katie lost the game.

This is a good idea of what The Boy's like: he was kicked out of kid's roller hockey for being too violent. He saw hockey on TV, didn't really understand the mechanics, but saw people beating on each other with huge sticks in hand and thought, "now that's my kind of sport!" After a short period of time, there was a petition with 150 signatures on it to boot him out since he kept making the other kids cry. From a team of like maybe at most 15 or 20 kids.

I do believe he said himself that until he was booted he continued to not be very good at the game itself but still had lots of fun beating on the other children.

God I love him, heehee.

(This post made due to the fact that Mel in fact had no life today beyond Neopets, sleeping, and masturbation.)

Thought One:
This is my 99th post. Wild.

Thought Two:
I need to get back into the blogging groove. I blame school. And Thought Three.

Thought Three:
The Boy sucks. Here we go, a thought I can stick with for awhile. So, he has a lot going on for him right now. He just got his own place, equipped with two tard room mates. Okay, I'll rephrase, one's a tard, the other is just living on his own for the first time and is having to learn how shit works. But the tard is a huge complication. Isn't paying shit, says he'll be paying backrent eventually, is trying to get in the army, is a disrespectful bastard, is most likely going to screw The Boy over. And he has me. And I think he's gone and convinced himself that I'm too good for him.
So right now, we're exactly halfway through a two week break for him to sort his life out and for both of us to think about us. And whether or not he's gonna hold me back in the long term.
This is one of those rare situations where I tell my friends and family what's going on in my life, and they all have the same reaction, my own included. "ROFL, silly Boy."
But I'm just hoping that it's just stress from other things influencing his other thoughts and so he'll come back and be like "Yeah, I was a dumbass," instead of me having to actually convince him he's being a dumbass.
Also, I'm depressed as all hell by not having him around. Made worse by the fact that he's not even one block away and yet I can't go see him as I need to. There is an upside though, and that is...

Thought Four:
I'm dying my hair purple tomorrow in time for the Harry Potter book premiere. The Boy WILL kill me when he finds out, but I'll just be "psh, bitch, that's what you get for leaving me alone for two weeks after making about two hundred jokes about sleeping with your room mate's huge-tittied girlfriend."

Five:
Good news, I no longer need to look for work as I have a job lined up. Bad news, I don't start said job until January, and in the meantime no one will hire me for a multitude of reasons (mostly to the effect of "you minor, you suck, come back when you're not jailbait!").

End on Six:
SUMMER SCHOOL IS DONE FOR ME AS OF TODAY! WOOHOO! And unless I majorly screwed up my final (there's a small chance...) I got through with a B!

I will be back tomorrow. If I'm not, here are all my messengers and you may bother me the moment Thursday ends in California!
AIM: lucious CROCKPOT
Y!M: goddessrabichi@sbcglobal.net
MSN: melonylouise@hotmail.com

If I'm not online at all on any of these, it means something happened to my computer and I am gone with right!

So I keep going, "I should update my blog."

And then I go, "I'll wait until tonight."

And then, I never update. Yes, I am aware of how much I suck.

So, some updates on my life:

- The Boy finally got his own place. I was worried for awhile about who his room mate was going to be, but I'm finding him not to be as bad as I thought. Plus, he's going to the army in a few months, so he's only temporary and the Ginger (who I've always gotten along with pretty well) will take his place. Yaaay!
- My art class is a bit of an awkward venture for me. First off, I'm only at a C+ at most because of a joke I made on my second portfolio (and yes, my own inability to grasp "value," but I didn't lack a grasp of it to the point of a 198/300). Second off, all the people in my class that I talk to are over 35. Third off, I have this odd crush on a girl in my class. Obviously, one of those things I wouldn't act on, but yeah.
- I'm trying to get a job. I just started hunting this week. I think I might already be failing.
- I'm going to be doing Blogathon 2007. Hold out for a post with details of what I'm doing it for and how to sponsor me.

So I've been awarded this not by one person, but two. One, being Whenn of Opinion Minions, and the other being Mr. Fab of Pointless Drivel. Though I guess for the sake of this he's Miss Fab. Whatever.

Quoteth Miss Fab: "She is my only angst-ridden internet skank bisexual friend who is under legal voting age."

Quoteth Whenn: "This intelligent 17 year old from California writes about her personal experiences as an adolescent in a not so innocent world. I must say, I am very surprised at how much times have changed since I was a teen! Melony Louise writes in a witty and intelligent manner, giving full release to her thoughts and feelings. Keep rockin' girl!"

Thanks to the both of you! And now. The rules say to tag five others, but I really only have one person to tag, since I'm not as good of a blog whore as I should be, and that would be...

Katili of KatScratchFever. What, I love her, dammit! She got me addicted to Pokemon (well, I would have done that to myself anyway, but...), Animal Crossing, Twitter, blogging in general, and now she might even get me in on her little Blythe craze. She's a spiffy chick, and plus ... she has one of the cutest voices ever. Really!
----
So I think I need some advice. Though maybe I just need to rant a little. So my ex-girlfriend is in town until the 20th. And Sam is totally awesome and I love hanging around her, especially now more than before, cos she's just grown up a lot in such a short time and yeah. But there's a problem in that we're for the most part not uncomfortable with each other.
Here's what I mean. She hugs me at random. Cuddles on me. Kisses my cheeks. Sits in my lap. Would give family-like pecks on the lips if I let her.

The Boy is a pretty jealous boy. He gets irritated at me playing gay with my straight friends. So my thoughts are, should I feel guilty about how comfortable she is with me (I am) and should I put a stop to it (I do have a limit, as mentioned, but it's a broad one)? The answer to my own question that keeps popping up is, "if she was a he, would you let him act that way?"

But I don't know if that's applicable or what. And I'm kind of afraid to ask The Boy when I see him tomorrow cos I don't want there to be a fight or him to just be ... disappointed? I don't know, it's an odd feeling.

Okay, well, I'm NyQuil'd up, so I'm probably gonna sleep here soon. Gnite!

Today was nice. It was one of the laziest days I've had in awhile. All I did was post around on DeviantArt and try to make friends on DarkStarlings, oh and at some point I made fries. Yum. But The Boy spent the night last night. That was nice. He put a "hideously inappropriate" (thanks Fab, now I can't stop using that term) picture on my phone this morning, and I should delete it before Nessa snoops through my phone as she does religiously, but at the same time I keep contemplating putting it just as my wallpaper and watch people get horrified by it. It'd be funny.


Well, yeah. That really summarizes my day (without factoring in all the sexums) so I think I'm gonna fall asleep so I can wake up in the morning. Damn school.

Today was off.

I had at least one full panic attack in the middle of my class. And many half ass "hey, you're getting close" moments. I was behind on sleep for at least the first half of my day. The second half, post-nap, wasn't too bad until I tried to see The Boy.

I have no clue if I've mentioned here, but he has to move. The family he's staying with is moving, and they can't take him. Not that he could go anyway, because of work. But it's been stressful for him. He's too short on the money, his current room mate (a complete partier with terrible priorities and no concept of clean) has invited himself to come along and not pay a down payment, his soon-to-be room mate (I love David. David > Dumbass) is having trouble finding work, and now something else happened today and he was so stressed he seemed to barely get through a conversation with me, let alone really want to see me. My ego's a tad bruised.

Is it stupid? Yes. Am I still hurt anyway? Yeah.

And then Stacy is coming back tomorrow, and everyone's miserable here because of it.

Okay, dinner. Sorry that you guys finally get an update and I'm being emo.

Just popping in to say, "I'm still not dead yet."

But that I am incredibly bored thanks to the folks The Boy lives with, because their idea of giving a message is "we'll be sure to tell him tomorrow morning. Maybe."

Thanks, it's not like I was trying to make plans with him tonight or anything. Ah well, he'll be out soon enough and my stress meter over that shit will go down. Or, it better.

"That's probably a good thing. In the same way that each cigarette takes seven minutes off your life, playing D&D delays the time it takes for you to lose your virginity by seven days."

This is a recent comment I got on an earlier blog entry. Why do I find this amusing? Cos I'd still be a virgin were it not for Dungeons and Dragons. It's true! It's how I met The Boy in the first place, and I stayed over to play the night before we got together. Also, no one in our group's a virgin, so go figure.

Okay, I was tagged by Whenn to give 8 facts about myself. I don't have people to tag, I'm too lazy for rules, so here we go:

1. See above.
2. I used to have a best friend who was weirdly connected to my family by birthdays. She was a Gemini and I a Scorpio, while her mom was a Scorpio and mine a Gemini. Her mother was born on my grandmother from my dad's side's birthday, while her father was born on my granny from my mom's side's birthday. Vweirdness.
3. I have two dents in the middle of my shins. They come from a concert I went to for my fifteenth birthday, where basically, we got stuck sitting on our knees. If I moved to apple cross, I couldn't see, and if I even semi stood, a guard would freak.
4. Mr. Fab's postcard to me from a couple weeks ago sits proudly on my fridge.
5. I should be a few inches taller than I am, but I was put on steroidal allergy medicine as a twelve year old. Another reason I'm not fond of UC Davis.
6. Actually, in truth, I'm glad my growth is stunted cos right now The Boy and I are the same height and I know that if I ended up taller than him I probably wouldn't have been interested. Yes, I am an asshole like that.
7. I once won a beach towel on AOL, but this was before I was internet addicted so by the time I went to claim it I was three days too late.
8. Until I was about six, I hated music. Or so I claimed. In truth, I hated loud music. It'd interfere with my thinking. Now I want to be a musician. Hee.

Things that made tonight awkward.

Six of us at a table at TGIFriday's. First one's leaving for Oregon in the morning, the next one had a big fat crush on me about a year ago, next is his girlfriend and The Boy's exgirlfriend with her adorable few month old baby (who for Chrissake isn't The Boy's!), then me, then the black guy whose nice enough but his very presence is resulting in some of the shittiest service I ever had, then a deaf girl I have no way of communicating with.

I rarely have issues with jealousy, but when I do, I can't control what I'm thinking. Mixed with bad microwaved food, I barely ate. I got a fifteen dollar bill tonight for shitty food, shitty service, and Ryan's salad. Assholes.

And homework is on my mind a lot. It's painful.

Yesterday was too much of people being mad at me, mostly family. I don't feel like divulging into that teen angst with details, but basically it was this:

"You're wrong." "You're right, I'm wrong. This is why." "Well, now you're wrong for these reasons too." "Okay, those are things I'm also trying to fix and I feel like you're kicking my attempts in the face." "You're an asshole for not just bending over, shutting up, and taking it like a bitch." "Wtf."

But I got to hang out with Nessa and The Boy. But there was fighting there too. Grr.

Hope that tonight will be better for me!

Today was boring
Home alone with nothing
To do at all, yeah.

I'm sick of haikus.

But seriously. Today, I wrote some of (what I hope will be) my new novel. I watched Pan's Labyrinth. I updated all my blogs. I played Pokemon. I watched TV. I was bored the entire time.

Nessa was supposed to come over? She had to cancel cos she had too much to do.

The Boy was supposed to come over? He hasn't even called tonight. I don't know if he's at work, at home, raped somewhere, anything. What really pisses me off is I can't even call over there and see if they know what's up with him because of the stuff with who he lives with. Frustrating.

My day in haiku cos I'm tired:

Saw my aunt Nadine
she's a bitch but her grandkid
is way fucking cute.

And my cousin is
nice enough (not Lisa, the
other one) but dim.

Quite needless to say,
it was the longest three and
half hours ever.

But it balanced out
Cos I went with Lisa and
The Boy to a show.

Heigl is "Knocked Up"
And this movie is so so
so freaking funny.

Plus, Katherine Heigl
has sex scenes and I am a
Big fan of her rack.

FIN.

So I guess the term "Internet Blog Project" might be a little bit more applicable to what I'm doing now.

To explain, I have expanded myself over several sites, and will probably end up on more by the time I'm back in school (June 11th). So this is my site for talking about my life; my Tumblr is for quotes, conversations, and websites; my Vox is for QotDs, Vox Hunts, and discussions of books, movies, shows, and CDs; my finetune is my attempt to both expand my musical taste and share it with others; and my twitter is for all those little updates in between.

Then, I'm hoping to get back to 43things which would be for my eternal quest to improve on myself (or just try a couple kinky sex acts). In other words ... NOW is the time to throw your latest internet trend at me to see if I'm interested! I also feel a little behind because I just jumped on the Technorati boat.

To quote my Tumblr (like Katili did), "[Melony Louise: more determined to be a world-famous internet whore than j00.] "

Okay, so back to life.

I went to the doctor today for my panic attacks (finally). I had a small scare because he asked at random, "does your family have a history of heart disease?" I was like, "oh my God, I'm the start of a history of heart disease in my family, aren't I!?" But then he went back to normal discussion of panic attacks. I'm supposed to get a phone call from The Mind Institution in Downtown Sacramento, and if I don't by Monday, I'm to call them.

And I realized at the doctor that I am far too optimistic. To the point that yes, I realized that there have been problems, but it never clicked how much is happening to me at once. Coming up in less than six months is my 18th birthday. Here in a couple weeks I go to summer school. My dad's coping with alcoholism. My mom fights with him a lot for it. The Boy has heart problems, and depression related to it. And I'm sure that if you didn't see my rant about Stacy, you will soon.

It's uncharacteristic of me, almost. I can think back to previous points in my life where, when things got just a little rough, I was ready to freak and bitch and moan. But you know what it is? I've always had a good, tight knit, happy family, even with the problems. But now I have friends [and a boy] that make me feel the same way. Where it used to bother me that I didn't have many people in my life, it doesn't any more, because the relationships are of quality so I don't need the quantity.

This is all nice, until you realize that it's allowing me to not deal with problems and let them manifest into ... attacks. It's very strange, how not even being happy makes me truly happy.